Dear TeaK,

Precisely, it’s very immature. And it’s honestly maddening to be looking him in the eyes and tell him, for the twentieth time as calmly as possible “Don’t you remember last time we had this conversation, when you said you wouldn’t do that again and you agreed that it wasn’t helpful or healthy to do that?”.

Yeah I’ll share what we talked about. We discussed some things M and I have learned about how someone with ADHD (M) and someone without (me) can get through relationship issues, and compromise was brought up. M said he does his fair share of compromise with me, and when prompted what that was he said “I listen to you talk and do nice things for you. Plus it’s hard to be creative and make music when there’s someone else in the apartment with me.” I told him it sounds like he doesn’t want a relationship right now, which he didn’t understand or agree with.

I’ve had more than just the two 2 bad relationships, and I’m 28 now. I really don’t want to go back to being optimistic, hopeful, and open to another person, because I’ve always been let down pretty hard. Lately I’ve been softer and more vulnerable with M, like when we got together, because the therapist told me too in order to give M the opportunity to prove himself. But now when he doesn’t come to bed because he’s in his car on his phone for hours, or making music for hours, or in his garage until sunrise (all times he told me he’d come to bed “soon”), or late for anything, it just ends up hurting more since I’ve been forcing myself to be less calloused.

I have my lease for October, I’m moving out soon…but after that I’m not really expecting anything good to happen anymore. I’ve had many friends actually tell me “Maybe you have to come to terms that you’ll never find someone who deserves you.”. Which has been…hard to hear.