Dear Candice88,

Please forgive me when you are able, when I say anything too hurtful below.   I am so moved by your posts and pain, I had to respond.

I am just coming out of a bad 5 year relationship with a narcissistic drug addict who constantly lied to me, never changed, and had me crazy – quitting my job & moving across the country to get away from his abuse – moving back, believing his lies that ‘things will be different’ – and now I’m moving yet again – doing what I really want.

It has taken me many months of pain and crying, moving through denial, to get to this point today.  When my therapist asked me last Dec: what do you want for the next chapter of your life, I couldn’t answer or think about it – I was crying too hard and the pain was just overwhelming and all consuming.

I’d like to say: it’s difficult to have a fulfilling relationship with anyone who lies, cheats, abuses, and continually disregards your feelings.  I am so glad you are moving out.  I know you are hurting; I know you are in love.  And broken hearts are, in my experience, the worst kind of pain; but move out, cry it out, and work on yourself with your therapist.

You’ve already had amazing experiences in your young adult life – living in Japan for a year.  How cool is that?  And even with the trauma you are experiencing in your current relationship, you started graduate school!  Have you congratulated yourself on your strength lately?

I tried to read all the posts and replies, and my sense is you’ve gone on at length about these 2 bum guys.  Have you asked yourself what it is you want, how you would like to be treated?  Putting aside these guys, what do you want in life?
Constant anger and hurt are emotions that signal all is not well.  Controlling another person doesn’t work – they just end up resenting you.

Don’t apologize for being too sensitive.  This is who you are as a person.  Forgive yourself when you beat yourself up inside.  It is your job to heal yourself.  When you make known to the world who you are and what you want, you will be able to attract a good man who is compatible with you!  Trust is earned.

I know what you want right now – you want both or either of these men to change, so you can have a loving relationship where you are valued.  But change can only come from within, you cannot force it on another.  I know how you hurt!

A therapist who specializes in betrayal/infidelity trauma has helped me, so has reading several books about codependency and destructive relationships, and Nar-Anon and Coda.  A website: whatiscodependency.  And giving myself time to cry, to heal, and think about what I want next in life.  I still hurt – the pain is deep and will be there for a long time – but at least I am safe, moving forward doing what I want, and out of an abusive situation that lasted far too long.

Hugs and healing to you.