Dear OrangeHeart,

Thanks for replying its good to know that someone agrees and I’m not just going mental!

You’re welcome, OrangeHeart. Your gut feeling is right and you’re not going mental by thinking that something’s not right with his behavior!

And my boyfriend now definitely isn’t on that level but maybe if things continue it will end up like that, I already just do anything he wants to keep him happy because it’s easier than dealing with the moods!

Right… that’s your main theme, actually: you’d rather tolerate abuse than stand up for yourself. And the reason is your mother being the bully, and you adopting the strategy of appeasing and pleasing her, rather than protesting.

I do think I have trauma from my ex which makes me scared of being controlled again

The main trauma is from your childhood, and I think that’s why you keep being attracted to people similar to your mother. Maybe this is surprising and offensive to hear (sorry for being so blunt), but it happens with all of us till we heal the original trauma. We repeat…. in various shapes and forms. Perhaps your previous ex was an outright narcissist and sociopath and he may have enjoyed torturing you (you didn’t say the latter, I am just assuming). Your current boyfriend might much more “meek”, and his controlling and manipulative behavior might stem from his insecurity.

Nevertheless, the result is the same – you feel like you need to suppress yourself so he wouldn’t be upset. And he can get upset super easily and then treats you badly. So you need to give up on yourself to stay in a relationship with him. And that’s pretty much what you needed to do with your mother (and what your father needed to do)…

he feels like I dont need him which must be hard but after my last relationship I cant need anyone! I thought wanting someone was worth a lot more than needing them! I feel like I’m in a relationship for him not with him at the minute…

Yes, he is the one who needs you – to control his moods, to make him feel better about himself, to make him feel in control. You have a mother role for him – you’re there for him to soothe him and make him happy, but he isn’t there for you. It’s an unequal relationship.

I thought wanting someone was worth a lot more than needing them!

Yes, it’s not good if one person is the caretaker, and the other the child in the relationship. If one just gives, and the other just takes.