Dear Ashmitha,
Yes teak, it definitely stems from my insecurities, I’m sure.
Right… but you are young, only 25, so you can deal with your insecurities, rather than settle for this guy because 1) you believe you don’t deserve better, and 2) you fear judgment and ridicule of other people. It will be much more painful to spend your entire life in misery and depression, living with him, than feeling the temporary pain of people ridiculing you for your relationship status.
Try to look at the bigger picture here and what is really important for you – to please others and live in misery, or to create a happy and fulfilled life for yourself?
It’s clear that this guy doesn’t love you and doesn’t care about you. You say this will be your strategy from now on:
I’m planning to just pull back as my life is about to become VERY busy. I’ll be working full-time, completing my master’s full-time and working at the university as a graduate research assistant part-time. We may just naturally fall apart, unless he initiates more often.
But he’ll be visiting you once per week still? That’s exactly what he wants, and he’ll probably be pleased with the new regime because it will give him an excuse for not paying more attention to you, and yet, he’ll get his weekly “reward”. It’s a win-win for him. You are the one who is losing in this scenario…
“Friends” have made fun of me for “hopping from guy to guy” before and I didn’t like that one bit, because I do take relationships seriously. When I stood up for myself and left relationships, I was made fun of for it.
Probably they saw your tendency to stay in relationships for only a short while, and to leave quickly if problems arise. That’s because of your childhood dynamic and emotional scars that we talked about. It was an unhealthy pattern, which you are now aware of. Which means you don’t need to repeat it in the future, you can work on healing those emotional scars.
Yet, I’ve witnessed my friends stay in bad relationships for years and work through them.
Yes, and you escaped quickly because you feared that a small argument now will lead to huge problems down the road, because you saw it in your parents’ marriage. It was your defense mechanism to prevent bigger pain in the future…
I think that if I were to move to a different city or something, I would be more able to call things off. My friends are all in serious relationships now and I would feel embarrassed telling everyone I am single again, yet again.
It’s not an embarrassment to say that you are single again, because you’ve realized some things about yourself and you value yourself more than this guy values you. And that you aren’t willing to settle for less. And also, that you’re working on your other issues which made you fear conflict and leave some relationships too soon.
It’s not embarrassing to become more self-aware and more willing to work towards your happiness. If those friends don’t understand and appreciate it, if they keep judging you and ridiculing you, then they don’t deserve to be your friends.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 