Dear Lily Margarette,

you are welcome, I am glad you don’t feel like it’s all in your head any more.

The thing I’m most worried about are the children. They don’t have a close bond with his family as they’ve never shown interest but I feel my husband is forcing a relationship on them. My two sons aren’t fond of their aunts as they’ve heard me being bad mouthed by them. One even read nasty text messages on my husband’s phone about me. This really upset my son.

That’s enough of a reason to not allow your children to go visit, only to have to deal with their grandparents and aunts talk rubbish about their mother! If the children don’t want to go, your husband shouldn’t be forcing them. I mean, if he wants to bow his head and take their verbal abuse, well, he can go ahead, but he doesn’t have the right to force that on your children. I would put my foot down and refuse that he takes the children with him when he visits.

If his parents and sisters want to see the children, they can indeed visit you, and you will allow it, out of the kindness of your heart. But in that scenario too, I would forbid any badmouthing you in front of your children. If they can’t help themselves and keep their mouths shut, they aren’t welcome.

If I say to my husband he should go visit them alone he always wants to take the kids and they desperately don’t want to go and I just don’t trust them around my kids as I honestly think they’re toxic. So what do I do? I’ll be accused of being controlling and accused if keeping the kids away.

The kids don’t want to go, and it’s not good for their mental health to be forced to listen to rubbish about their mother. Full stop. Your husband might accuse you of being controlling, but you are protecting the children.

We have a religious family celebration for my son approaching soon and he wants to invite his parents and his sisters and none of them speak to me! He says its important to him they should be there and I’m not being supportive if I can’t do it. These people have ruined nearly every family event. His dad even told me I looked ugly on my wedding day for instance! I’ve literally been dealing with this for all these years and I’m so tired now.

Since this is a special occasion, you can allow this visit, however under the condition that they don’t badmouth you in front of the children. They should treat you nicely and be polite and keep their filthy mouths shut. Your husband should tell them that in advance. If he isn’t willing to, or they end up ridiculing him and laughing at him, well, they aren’t welcome. And if your husband doesn’t agree with your terms, then unfortunately he isn’t respectful of you, and will always side with his parents. And it’s a sign for you to start thinking of separating himself from him.