Dear TeaK,

My feelings about S have been completely resolved since that email. No good, not worth my time.

However, things have take a cruel turn regarding M.

On Monday I found 3 meth pipes in his drawer. He told me previously that he has been sober since July. Shocked and completely shattered from the complete disrespect of trust, I decided to look at his Facebook messages (something I’ve never done before). There I saw him and his friends (all meth addicts) talking poorly about all their girlfriends, how “these bitches need to calm down”, along with meeting times (which coincide with him being gone in the middle of the night) to meet to use.

When he got home that night I pulled out the pipes, spoke calmly, and told him I’m moving out NOW, not October 6th when my apartment will be ready. He admitted that he’s never quit, he doesn’t want to quit, and he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. I spent the night alone crying and packing my entire life up. The next day I worked alone to get all of my belongings into my dad’s basement, next to a sleeping mat on the floor.

We still had couples therapy on Thursday, and I wanted that to happen for me to hear what he would say to someone else. The therapist was working on the premise that M was sober, so of course he said all of the work I was putting in would be worthless. I mentioned how I had been sending M messages the last couple days, and when prompted by the therapist why he hasn’t responded M said “I’ve been too busy to worry about all that.” This broke my heart. When M said “if she didn’t stress me out so much I wouldn’t have used as often”, to which the therapist shut him down and said in the end using is his decision. The session ended with the therapist telling M goodbye, and wanting a few moments alone with me to tell me I did all I could and that I made the right decision to leave.

That night we were officially broken up.

Even though I’m staying at my dad’s, I’ve been going to the old apartment to check on my cats (who can’t live in the basement with me due to family allergies, so until October 6th they have to stay there). M has been very bad about feeding them at regular intervals, sleeping in or staying out. Today (Saturday) I knew he would be gone until the late afternoon because he mentioned a while ago that he had a party Friday night. So as I was giving them some exercise with fetch, I went on his computer to pass the time. I pulled up Instagram (my phone was charging in a different room) and he was already logged in. I saw messages from a girl who said “is this M from Grindr?”, and where he told her he would like to have sex with her, or get coffee and go for walk.

The timestamps of these messages were from the minute he left to his car angry after I found his bongs Monday night. And he had been messaging her all week.

He came home shortly after this, and I told him he really didn’t even wait for it to be official that we were both single, and that my body was barely cold. My belongings were still in the apartment when he did this.

I made him be honest with me.

He said he had been going on Grindr on/off for more than a year due to tension. Basically, me calling him out for his meth use and being more assertive with boundaries regarding his disrespectful behaviour aligned exactly with when he decided to habitually cheat on me. He said it was only ever sexting, but that he would have made it physical if it had happened. Instead he settled for sending dick pics back and forth. He told me that he didn’t tell me because he didn’t know how I would react if he said he was also interested in trans girls.

I told him I don’t care who he is attracted to, so long as he was monogamous with me. Which we both established was what we wanted in a relationship (and what constituted as cheating) on our first date. All those nights he was out and not coming to bed, not only was he on meth and going to meet friends to do it. He was also going to sext trans girls alone in his car and masturbate to their pictures. And never coming to bed, where I was waiting sometimes explicitly saying I wanted to have sex that night (he blamed me for not making him feel wanted sexually sometimes, even though he was never present to be sexual with). He also said he thinks he might be polyamorous – I said polyamory doesn’t mean cheating. Poly people also have rules and respect in their relationships, not cheating.

As he was telling me this, and I was having a break down and telling him how horrible he is, he was also falling asleep from his body shutting down after three days of meth.

I don’t believe he kept it to just sexting, so I am getting an STD test as soon as I can.

I told him he clocked out of the relationship the second he cheated, that the second I showed any resistance to his meth use he wanted me gone but wasn’t mature enough to break up with me. So he just used and abused me as he cheated and did meth for 1.5 years out of our 2.5 years together, telling me that I was stressing him out and making him do it while also lying about both.

He says he loves me but he had demons he needed to sort through before meeting me. I said he doesn’t know himself, he’s been addicted to some substance ever since he was 17 (28 now), so he’s just causing destruction everywhere he turns.

I am shattered. Destroyed.

I am oscillating between hating him and being disgusted and horrified at how awfully I have been treated, to hating myself and thinking that I really must be trash to not be worth it. Only ever having men hurt me. As I type this I really do feel like I’m doomed for men who will trick me and manipulate me, then throw me in the trash after they had fun. I don’t think there are good men out there.

Before I learned about the cheating, I felt more balanced – that if he gets sober long term maybe we can try again if I feel like it could work. But I was breaking up with him not promising myself that that would happen, to not rely on that.

Now, I am absolutely traumatized. And this is the first time I’ve lived in the same town as an ex. He is 10 minutes away from me. I don’t trust that I will be strong enough to stay away, as everyone keeps telling me to do.

I hate myself for still loving him. I feel like trash for still having feelings for someone who treated me like trash.

I don’t know what to do.