Hi guys!

So, lately we had a serious talk together and we had a lot to figure out. I decided it was time for us to take a break, which actually may lead to a real breakup. I simply cannot stand anymore the fact that in august he told me that he was deeply in love with me, that he wanted for us to live together and then, literally two weeks later he told me that he felt unsure about his sexuality which lead us to where we are today. I didn’t force him to anything towards me, I have always been clear and honest about how I felt and what I wanted, always told him that if he didn’t feel the same, he had to tell it so I would not have to agonize and waiting for him to make his moves. Yet, when we talked last week, he told me once again he was truly in love with me but that he still didn’t know what he was. I became extremely fed up and I told him that I wanted to take a break if not breaking up definitely.

I still have feelings for him of course, but just like I told him, he needed to figure this kind of thing by himself. I didn’t want to be dragged into his mess anymore. It’s just unfair for me, what if we stay together and 1 or 10 years later he tells me that he’s actually gay but didn’t want to let me go back in the days because he was still confused and had internalized homophobia towards himself? Him being gay or bi or straight isn’t the issue here, obviously. Him not knowing what he wants, what he is, here is the problem. He knows that I’m bisexual, experienced etc. It’s not a taboo and I always told him that if he wanted to talk about that, then it wasn’t a problem for me at all since I knew how it felt to keep inside how we deeply feel.

At some point I kinda feel he always “needs” a reason to feel unhappy in his life. Back a few years ago, it was about him thinking I didn’t love him back. Now that he knows I do love and accept him for what and who he is, it just looks like he is moving his unhappiness somewhere else by questioning his sexuality and gender. I mean, you say to the person you love how you feel and good new it’s completely reciprocate. Which kind of person would literally start to overthink about sexuality and gender one/two weeks after confessing? He was the one who told me all of that in first. Also last year, he got into one of the most prestigious engineering program in the most prestigious engineering school in our country, which was his dream for many years and yet he dropped out because he had a few bad grades which would have led him to kinda re-do half of his first year. But I mean, it’s something very common in his program because of the school and teachers standards.

My point here is, when he sees that he can reach and get what he wants, he always finds himself questioning what he has and the slightest issues will make him run away. Hence why I am really questioning about him being able to be happy. He just makes me feel that he “””””enjoys””””” indulging himself into this kind of constant mess, that he simply refuses what he already has while having wanted those things for so long.

I feel like I am judging him extremely harsh when I write this kind of things, but.. It is how he makes me feel now after two years. I kinda feel bad to think of him this way, I don’t know if it’s my bitterness which talks. Frankly, I think he does many things to fix himself. I am aware of his depression, the side-effects and such. I know most part of this kind of behavior is due to his mental illness. But, it simply doesn’t make things easier when I find myself taken in the middle of all of what I stated above..

When it comes to me, I went to therapy for two years prior dating him. ADHD and gifted child talking here. To be exact, my therapy actually ended up a few months after we started dating. Frankly I am feeling extremely good in my life for the past two years. I study abroad something I really enjoy, valedictorian, next summer I will go to Oxford for a research internship program, I have amazing friends, I am one of the board member of the main association in my university,  I live in a big flat for very cheap near to the city-center, the weather is awesome, I am learning my 6th language, I will soon publish my first official scientific article while I am still a bachelor student, I often go out, my teachers are adorables and I also got recently one of the cutest recommandation letter for my master applications, let’s not forget that I totally enjoy myself physically and mentally. So honestly, I came from a long way, but lately everything has been great for me, except him. So no, I really don’t think I am focusing on him instead of me for the wrong reasons. I think I just need to understand everything which surrounds me, this how my brain kind of works, life and people are constant enigmas which I low-key enjoy trying to solve just for my own sake since I am constantly easily bored? I know it may sounds like a brag at some point, but really, this is how I kinda work, honestly this is not peaceful at all for those around me, it’s amazing at work since I want to become a researcher, but on a personal level, it get a bit more problematic. I am aware that I hyper-focused on him for a longtime, but it got better for 7/8 months now though. I know my feelings for him weren’t created because of that, it wasn’t an obsession.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Anna.