Hi Anita,

Thanks again for sorting through these thoughts and feelings. Lately im feeling really rough about it and like you say, it becomes physical, this hurt, its damaging. Unfortunately my workplace colleagues are the source right now and there is something every time i have contact with them.

Im becoming aware…that my time is running out on a personal level if i dont look for a partner for instance, if i dont take action about meeting friends, my mind will just switch off and lose interest. But with experiences like mine, its such a minefield. I just feel like men are out to get you, like other women eventually all turn jealous and  everything just goes sour. I want healthy relationships but it seems like im asking for the moon.

I understand too that most people chose to suffer in order to have something in life. I stayed with my ex much longer than i should because i didnt want to lose the physical contact, i didnt want to lose the fun stuff, the benefit of being with him..i suffered the regular mental abuse and some physical..his strange moments of anger, i suffered crying regularly. That doesnt happen anymore. The good side is that i dont need to compromise what i do, i get to choose, no longer being bored to death doing what he wanted, no longer being told i was bad at something or suffering the misery of other women flirting openly in front of me and him chiding me for complaining about it. And the bad side meaning..i havent been on a holiday in about 3 or 4 years because i needed his help to finance that, Never going out for dinner, less fun and more work. The most annoying thing to me about being single is that i seem to attract a lot of comments from people i dont know…neighbours and just random people commenting about my life that i notice when i go out alone.

I worry that if i try to meet someone, i dont have really all that much to offer..no amazing social circle of happy people, no kids and no fun career. Same goes for making friends. I meet people id like to be friends with and they dont seem that interested to do anything with me. So in the end, i just return to what is safe and comfortable and less traumatic..

Someone asked me today what i dreamed of doing and i just couldnt think of it. I have feelings about what i like..im driven, hardworking , i like to make money…but passions? i feel a bit lost in the money making process…