Hi Anita,

I always value your responses. I need to have an unbiased opinion from someone free of any personal experiences because I feel like they can see my soul in what I write instead. Which to me feels like a more accurate assessment of who I am as a person.   I discovered a long time ago how to put my feelings on paper as a way of introspecting.

This week I have learnt that unlearning behaviours that you have grown up harnessing is very hard. So sometimes I tend to self-sabotage my journey.  Some days I miss Christopher so badly. But I am learning slowly that this is normal because I shared very deep and private feelings and moments with him. I bared my soul to this person, so weaning myself of him is not going to be an overnight task.

I find myself falling back into old patterns where I feel like saving him still.  But then I remind myself that here you go again trying to help someone who has not asked for your help.  Then I stop. The more I confront my discomfort the more I become aware and conscious when I fall back into old patterns and it is becoming easier to stop myself and redirect my efforts. I got so used to acting without truly thinking about the motivations for my behaviour.

I have had a few conversations with him since. The first few were very textbook and glossy. All window dressing. Said the right thing at the right time but no heart or warmth. Very cold. But it kept me thinking about what is he hiding.  The curiosity kept me wanting to engage him even more. It bothered me that I didn’t know this person whom I was intimate with.  Who is this person I gave my heart to?

And so I would have structured conversations with him every so often. Yesterday I went in for it. I felt frustrated most of the day that he walks around with this droid face. Looking perfect and all together. Maybe I was being a bit petty and passive-aggressive. So I asked him a series of questions. And I told him very openly as he owed me the truth. If there was ever anything I would ever ask for from him, it’s the truth.

The answers he gave me were expected. But it’s what he said to me when I didn’t ask any questions that got me thinking… it opened up my eyes to his actual emotional state. It shocked me what I saw. Reading everything over and over, I realised that he is emotionally stunted! He is a little boy on the inside still struggling to get approval by any means possible. It’s like what my son would do when he does something wrong and gets punished for it.

He is a little boy stuck inside a grown man’s body. He craves approval from his mother, and on several occasions when I look back I see him doing the same thing with me.  He acted in ways in which he knew would gain my approval until things got to a place where he was needed to step up and take the lead or be the pillar I needed emotionally, then he was out the door running scared.

I heard this once, “hurt people hurt other people”. I never truly believed it but now I do. Towards the end of the conversation he said to me he felt emotionally drained. In his mind, I blamed him for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I blamed him for hurting me. But the truth is I never did. I was disappointed, felt cheated and used and as soon as I needed him, I was no longer beneficial he discarded me, but I know all too well I had my part in the whole saga.

This left me confused and stressed. Seeing what I saw yesterday, I am now seeing things in a whole new light. I feel like I look for broken men to fix because deep down I don’t want to address my issues and my childhood trauma.

Like you said the journey is not easy. But I am willing and determined and so I will keep pushing! I am soldering on. As for Christopher, I am done with him. I am no longer curious about what motivates him. I saw him in a new light. He is a broken child on the inside and he is toxic. He is now walking around hardened by the guilt of what he did and each time I engage him, he starts apologizing.

Despite me openly telling him that I have forgiven him but don’t want to be friends with him is a thorn in his flesh. In his mind, for me to truly forgive I have to be friends with him. He is clueless. And is stuck on trying to push his narrative of forgiveness on me.  He wants me to forgive him on his terms!

I have seen all I needed to see and I have conclusively decided that there is absolutely nothing to gain from being friends with him.

I am more convinced more than ever that I am on the right track and doing the right thing now.

Regards

Elizabeth