Dear Anna,

don’t worry about not answering right way – you are busy and have many things going on right now in your life. Congratulations on becoming the finalist in a scientific writing contest and that you’ll have 2 of your articles published, while still being a bachelor. Well done!

Thanks for sharing some more about your childhood and upbringing. It’s great that you have such a deep insight about your relationship with your mother. And also, that you’ve healed most of it and aren’t susceptible to her criticism any more. Her attitude to dating and relationships served you well, but it may be also a double-edged sword.

Namely, your mother was careful not to date until you are old enough, so you wouldn’t get a false idea about relationships, and probably also that you wouldn’t be hurt by people coming and going from your life. That’s admirable. Once she started dating, it seems she immediately found the right guy, because she started dating when you were 16 (10 years ago), and you say she’s been with your step-father for 10 years. So for her, I guess the first time was a charm?

I wonder if this gives you some sort of pressure to follow in her footsteps – to find a stable, long-term relationship right off the bat? She set a very high standard, and you don’t want to disappoint her by being less than perfect in your choice of partners?

when you truly love someone, you’re supposed to do whatever it takes to fix everything which could be fixed before throwing away, right? We can’t be at our ups all the time and if your feelings for the person are real and as strong as you say they are, then you will stay by your partner’s sides for the better and the worst.

This is true – we aren’t supposed to throw people away without first trying to work on our problems. But there needs to be some reciprocity. If we are constantly pushing for the relationship to continue, while the other person is not really showing too much enthusiasm, often checks out, wants to take breaks, and questions their ability to stay in the relationship – then it’s hard to really work on it. There has to be willingness on both sides. Perhaps you were pushing it and wanted to save it partially also because you wanted to meet that high standard your mother set? She was never pleased with anything you did, and maybe this was a way you still wanted to please her (without even being aware of it)?

Just one more observation: it appears your mother and your boyfriend’s mother are alike – both highly critical and control freaks. So perhaps you felt seen and understood by him because you shared a similar experience? You’ve managed to largely heal from it and assert yourself, and you were trying to help him do the same… only he wasn’t ready and it seems he won’t be ready for quite some time…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Tee.