Teak,

Seeking proffesional help was not easy. Culturally you are considered weak and crazy for seeing a therapist. I have struggled for so many years with this burden. The hardest thing has always been forgiving myself. I find that am very hard on myself.

I have come a long way. From being ignored as a child. To being bullied by my entire family to a broken adult who alwYs felt more comfortable among strangers than my own family.

There was a point in time when everyone took joy out of bashing me. Because i was different i was used as a yard stick for badness. My own siblings would comfort each other by saying you are better off than Elizabeth.

I have heard my own father accuse me of lasting after my brother inlaw because i exposed his infidelity. My own sister accusing me of wanting her husband when i had never ever shook hands with him.

My other sister get so pissed that she got laid off instead of me. My father accuse me of being the cause of my sisters being laid off as well as his own retrenchment.

My teens were miserable. My 20s were even worse. I have suffered depression for so long but no one in my family knows. My sister once said to me my feelings are not important enough for them to care about.

And so i learnt to stay quiet and watch. Up to this day… no one has ever really apologized to me. They thing i forgot. But i didnt. I remember everything like it was yesterday. My family scares me. My parents scare me even more.

My biggest fear is they dont have my back. The things they say about me behind my back are awful. And i am nothing like what they say. Its sad that they still dont know me. I am 37 years old and they dont know the first thing about me.

You are also right about one more thing. That love i waa pouring out on my ex was truly directed at the wrong person. I needed that love more. I was just to hurt to see it.