Dear Rachal:

I (anita) am back to your thread. I want to summarize what you shared so far best I can: you know your boyfriend (I’ll refer to him as B) for 12 years, living with him for 4 years.  Your parents met B long ago, and are “absolutely okay and happy to have him in our family..  and have been waiting patiently for us to get married”. His parents did not know about you until 3 years ago, after you and B have been living together for a year. His parents never met you and don’t want to meet you. They are against the two of you getting married. You and B planned to get married multiple times and the “marriage has been postpone multiple times”. Currently, the plan is to get married next year.

Of B’s parents, his mother “has always been the one taking decisions on behalf of the family”, and B has let him make his decisions and be in “control his life”, so to avoid conflict with her.  Currently his mother writes to B sometimes, “accusing him of ruining the family name and ruining his dad’s health”. He tried to talk to his parents, but they stopped picking up his calls. He felt “too guilty” about upsetting his parents, afraid of losing them, and he sometimes cries over it. He is conflicted: he wants to be with you and he does not want to lose his parents. Recently, he is attending therapy because he is unable to “deal with the situation”.

In your original post you presented two problems: B feeling stressed at work and B resorting to offensive sexual fantasies as a result. But you made no mention of the Number 1 Problem in your relationship: B’s parents being against the the planned marriage and B feeling so conflicted, guilty and upset about it.

I am guessing that this Number 1 Problem is the reason why you and B did not get married yet, not in the 12 years you know him. Also, seems like because the marriage was postponed multiple times, there is no reason to trust that the plan to marry next year will not be one of these multiple postponements. Also, because habits are powerful,  B’s habit of letting his mother control his life is likely to continue.

If you live in a country such as India where arranged marriages is a common practice and where it is socially accepted for parents to exert great power over their adult children’s lives, then “Boyfriend’s weird fantasy” is the least of your problems, if marriage is on your mind, The elephant in the room, so to speak, is his parents’ rejection of you. I read many stories of men leaving behind very long-term girlfriends of whom their parents disapproved after enough pressure, and/ or when the men reach an age and the parents (always seems to be the mother most of this job)  pressure the men to get married.. to a woman they do approve of. I also read stories where parents don’t care who their son is dating and living with.. as long as they later marry a woman they do approve of.

You started your original post, where you did not mention the Number 1 Problem,  with: “Hi, me and my boyfriend..  have been very content and happy”– I am guessing that you have been content and happy whenever you .. forget the Number 1 Problem/ the elephant in the room?

anita