Hi Anita,

My anxiety stems from family for sure. They dont show the kind of care you would expect..but its demanded of me in return. My mom sent me a text to come over and see them a day ago..completely ignoring the fact she has been silent for months since her previous messages when i was really slammed with work and stress, telling me im selfish and difficult. She wants of course to dip out of apologising, so will pretend its all on me, im very busy with work etc. I didnt reply because im still so angry about it that i dont know what to do. Ignoring it wont make it go away but she is unlikely to offer up reason, im expecting a fight and more stress.

Its clear my parents want a clean slate before christmas, totally expecting me to be game for all their usual behaviour.

But now i feel different. Both my mother and sister are not reaching out, they both want me to do it all. They are the ones with partners and support to go through difficult things like when they are mad at other people, but im alone. Does that mean i have to take every authoritative word they say? Does it mean i have to chase after them even though they throw poison darts at me? Or is it literally the fact that i am the youngest child and expected to fall in line? My sister is so disappointing…as an older sister she was never there and i accepted it, i even filled in her place and she was just always resentful and jealous. Its finally made me angry, and finally made me complain that she is selfish, now expecting for her child (an extension of herself) more and more of the attention she could never be bothered to give in return.

My parents came and rang my door to “demand” a reply from me. My mother looked sulky and handed me something of mine that had been at their house, an item of clothing. This is a routine she does when she is annoyed. of clearing things out of her house that belong to me. Its a therapy of sorts, I understand that now, many years later…getting even small items handed back to me like its a big problem for them to have them there, reminding them of me. I always find it an offensive thing to do, its a rejection of course.. My parents didnt speak up about their feelings either but pretended to talk about other things. Have i contacted my sister? no, putting the emphasis of blame and guilt back on me and putting themselves in control again. More irritation and anger.

I denied getting her message on my phone….because i dont want a confrontation today, im really not feeling well and i have a lot to do. It was a coward thing to do i know, as she wanted to be able to explode at me and get her reward while having my dad to support and help her do it. I just dont want to deal with them. Afterwards i felt angry and very sad..sad because i really dont want to see them.

When you are being chased by sadness and miserable behaviour its hard to focus on happiness. Having family problems is really at the core of who you are as a person. When you have an imbalance there it affects everything else. Im looking at a lifetime of feeling even more lonely than i was before but im contemplating just simply not being around them anymore. because i need to time out, i need to heal. They have spare keys of mine. First intended as helpful i now feel its intrusive. Ive relied on them in the past when ive locked myself out by accident…they act over worried as though im going to kill myself but never say a thing, just imply it. When i dont answer the phone..its a drama, we were worried! Its control though. Thats the reality. Its a way of keeping tabs on me and having power over me.