Dear Anita,

Sorry for my late reply, things have been rather hectic this week.

“that he is hyper aware of her feelings, and when he detects that she is upset and distant” I can definitely relate to this. I notice the smallest ques from the women I am involved with, and sometimes take them personally. I am definitely working on this, and have been speaking with a counselor about this and several other things. I think it comes down to self-esteem as well with me, that I think I’m not worthy of the love, attention and their happiness.

“started when you were a child, in regard to your mother, a habit that and extends to romantic partners” Yes absolutely. Although I am still not sure if this is something that is to my detriment or not. Like it still confuses me, that I do love to be there for people and help, but sometimes I’m not sure if I put myself second, and if this is a good or bad thing.

As for the paradox, yes that makes a lot of sense what you have noted. I do sometimes need to understand my needs a little better, and be aware that I may be searching for the attention and validation that the young me didn’t always receive. I dated someone for a couple of weeks but called it off as I wasn’t feeling that connection, though it was hard hurting someone I still didn’t even know that well, and to lose a source of validation. I feel that some days I am still getting used to being single, to not have someone there to listen and to validate my feelings etc.

“when in a relationship, you don’t trust that the woman will be close to you for long, you are hyper alert and anxious, anticipating that she will be distant any time” This makes a lot of sense. I have had several serious relationships as an adult, and I have either finished them as they weren’t working for me, or I have been completely blindsided by others whom I thought I could spend the rest of my life with. So maybe these feelings of abandonment have been reinforced a little in adult life, that women have left me, seemingly without notice. This again is something I am working on, being more mindful and not expecting things that are out of my control.

“a self-esteem moment here, a self-esteem moment there.” 100%, again things I am working on. That I should feel my own intrinsic value without the validation from a woman, though I do appreciate that it is also positive to have that from a partner.

I am glad you have found some of the things regarding your life useful as well. I understand that we don’t need to go further on this, but thank you for letting me help in any way. I really do appreciate all your valuable conversation, it is a constant source of comfort.

Dave