Dear Dave:

Not a problem when you reply to my posts, any time is fine with me!

I wrote to you: “when you detected that your mother was hurt/ upset, your first priority was to make her feel better. Fast forward, as an adult, when you detect that a current or past romantic partner is hurt, it becomes your first priority to make her feel better, and you’ll drop anything to make it happen”, and you responded: “Yes absolutely. Although I am still not sure if this is something that is to my detriment or not. Like it still confuses me, that I do love to be there for people and help, but sometimes I’m not sure if I put myself second, and if this is a good or bad thing“-

– The problem is not you being there for people and helping them (as long as it is not at the expense of your health, ex. helping someone move and re-injuring a previously injured back), but the motivation & expectations behind you helping others. If your motivation and expectation is to heal and elevate your self-esteem, feeling worthy as a result on an ongoing basis (“I think it comes down to self-esteem as well with me, that I think I’m not worthy of the love, attention and their happiness“)- then helping others will continue to lead to disappointment.

The injury to your self-esteem took place when you were a child because for too often and for too long- she, your mother, wasn’t there for you. The injury to your self-esteem did not happen because you, the child that you were, wasn’t there for her (by successfully helping her, taking away her hurt and upset, make her feel better).

Fast forward, you can’t heal your self-esteem by being there for a woman. To heal your self-esteem, it will take you becoming able to relax in the company of another person who genuinely appreciates you and values you, absorbing his/ her appreciation, letting it sink in and slowly dissolves the angst. This other person may be a counselor, or a woman with whom you get involved with while attending counseling.

anita