Hello Pam,

I am sorry to hear about your cancer. I hope you are now cancer-free and doing much better.

I am a 27-year-old woman with a difficult relationship with my mother. I am going to present to you some points from a daughter’s point of view.

My mother too is controlling and emotionally dependent on me.

I see some similarities between your daughter and me. I do not know if this holds true for your daughter, but when I am facing a difficult time, the first person I run to is my mother. And for the while that I need her, we have a lovely relationship. After I am back on my feet, and need her less, we are back to our bickering. I feel she treats me like a child and tries to help me even though I don’t need her help anymore. This gets suffocating for me. It does not mean that I dont love her; I just need my space because I’m not a little girl anymore. I suggest that if you are viewing her as your little girl, which I know you always will, you control that. I suggest you view her as another adult, complete and independent, her own person, rather than just your daughter. This may help you be friends with her and really improve your relationship.

Also, my mother barely has any friends. She literally has no life outside of me. She is completely dependent on me for any sort of recreation and fun. This burdens me as I am not always available. I have my own life and friends, and she then feels abandoned when I go with them. If this is the case with you as well, I suggest you make some friends outside of her. Maybe get some hobbies too. Take a vacation on your own. While your daughter is her own person, remember that you are your own person too, and your existence is not limited to the role of a mother.

What Anita said, regarding your relationship being like a romantic one, that is something I have felt with my mother as well. She would make me feel guilty for not spending time with her. When I did, she sulked because she was bitter. I realized how dependent she was on me for happiness, how she needed me to need her. And one day I thought to myself, “OMG! I am not her husband!” And I second what Anita says. Therapy would help you and your realtionship immensely.

Hope this helps…