Hi Anita,

I admire your vulnerability to seek for help on such a challenging situation. You’ve acknowledged your feelings of guilt and have acknowledged your mistake. Guilt is very much an uncomfortable emotion, but could it be viewed as a catalyst to something transformative? Often times, people seek or find outside pleasures due to an unmet need that is resolved, fulfilled, or distracted by a relationship with another person. I would encourage you to communicate with your spouse about what you need, what is helpful and not helpful in your relationship, what adjustments can be made (to make living with your husband a little less challenging so something like this doesn’t happen again). The intention of the conversation is not to point fingers at him and make it seem like everything will be better if he could just change. But the intention is about working together to find a happy medium.

May I also suggest self-forgiveness? It looks like you’ve already started on this journey. You’ve noticed your feelings. You’ve noticed the things you’d like to stop or change. You’re noticing your inner critic and the negative messages of your inner critic. No amount of self criticism will make the feeling of guilt go away. It’s time to embrace self-compassion. Being compassionate toward yourself is not letting yourself get by with excuses. It’s clearing your mind of negative emotions. It is having an understanding and nonjudgmental attitude toward your inadequacies during times of desperation. Don’t torture yourself with rumination about the things that you did. When we revisit the past, especially if it’s a situation that we feel we could have prevented or we wished we did things differently, we’re usually also visiting anxiety, depression, shame, guilt, fear. Feeling resentful toward yourself can be exhausting. So, focus on the present. How would you like your marriage to look like today? What conversations can you have today to close the gap? I hope you well, my friend.