Dear Elisa:

I neglected to address part of the quote with which I started my post above: “I have endured a lot of abuse. And I found it so hard to walk away as I didn’t know if it was my fault or not, if only I could have changed“-

– as a child you (like all abused children) endured abuse because you had no choice on the matter. Walking away from abuse was not an option because there was nowhere to walk away to, no alternative home, no alternative parents.

A child needs to believe that his/ her adult caretaker (mother, father) is a good person, so to feel safe with the parent. But when the parent is angry at the child and is hurting the child, the child figures: my parent is Good; I am Bad. I must have done something wrong, it is my fault, I deserve the anger and hurt. I must change who I am: from now on, I will be Good!

Fast forward: the child never made it to be good-enough so to no longer be abused. The child becomes an adult, and history is repeated in the adult context: the formerly abused child endures abuse in adult relationships, feels at fault, wants to change and feels unable to simply leave… as if one is still a child with nowhere to go.

You wrote yesterday: “he is not my dad, and I don’t depend on him for my survival so I can let go. Perhaps I don’t need to be special to him“- indeed: he is not your father, you are not a child, and you are not his child. Your physical survival is not at all dependent on him: a separation from him in reality is … not at all a problem for your survival.

Please continue to separate reality from fantasy and your mental health will continue to greatly improve for it!

anita