Dear ginn:

Like I suggested before, please take your time reading and processing the replies that you are receiving. I like the 1-5 lessons that you listed, lessons that you need to learn. I re-read all your previous posts so to be able to comment and elaborate on the lessons that you listed.

“1.  It is time to rely on others, seek help when needed” – yes, but be selective as to whom you rely on. Rely on people whose criticism is gentle and reasonable; do not rely on people whose criticism is harsh and/ or unreasonable. Rely on people who support you unconditionally: when you are strong and when you are weak, when you are winning and when you are losing. Do not rely on people who support you conditionally: only when you are strong and winning.

“2. It is okay to be weak and vulnerable, and vulnerability is an asset, not an obstacle” – it is okay to be weak but feeling weak can feel badly (“Feeling weak and vulnerable is really sucks“), especially when you are taught that to feel weak is a bad/ shameful thing. Next time you feel weak, try to peel off the bad/ shameful part that that is attached to the feeling of weakness.

In your recent post you sounded optimistic, but the unpleasant and painful feelings that you described (“I’m tired of my life… I felt stressed…couldn’t find the spark or joy in work… I cry every day… I have lost my motivation and I’m not interested in anything anymore… I was overwhelmed by my own emotions“)- these feelings will return. Maybe you already felt badly between the time that you submitted your recent optimistic post and the time you are reading this post.  When new optimism is met with feeling badly again and again, and yet again, most people lose their optimism and give up, concluding that whatever lessons they thought they learned- those lessons don’t really work in real life, or that they are too weak to actualize those lessons.

To avoid this common obstacle on one’s healing path, please understand that after you learn new and exciting things, after you feel optimistic- the unpleasant and painful feelings that you are in the habit of feeling, these feelings will return. It is to be expected. The key is to not give up, and instead, to persist! It will take months or longer of persistent practice to finally feel better long-term. When you feel badly the next time, say to yourself something like: this is to be expected. Even though I feel badly, I can still think rationally, and I can still function better than before!

“3. Don’t listen to external or inner critic, tell myself I’m good enough, is okay to fail and fear” – same principle as in regard to feeling badly: your harsh, unreasonable inner critic will continue to do its job because it’s in the habit of doing its job the way it does. When you notice its harsh and/ or unreasonable criticism, remind yourself that this too is to be expected. Then talk to yourself, give voice to a new inner critic, a developing gentle and reasonable new inner critic.

“4. Slow down and don’t rush for big goals. Instead try to accomplish small little goals and enjoy during the process of achieving them” – read about Mindfulness, including on the home page of this website, at the top, under BLOG.

“5. Have daily resolutions, not yearly resolutions” – yes, make those first thing in the morning, and/ or on the night before. Don’t make too many resolutions at any one time, see to it that each resolution is doable, and state each clearly and simply.

I am adding a few suggestions:

* Whenever you feel badly about not living up to your father’s expectations and making it possible for him to retire early, remind yourself that this failure is a consequence of his actions as your father. A father is a very powerful figure in his daughter’s life, and so, if he wants his daughter to be strong, he shouldn’t make her weak with harsh, unreasonable criticism and conditional support. The Law of Cause and Effect (effect= consequence) is a natural law that exists in all contexts, it’s never been possible for you to be strong by being made weak.

* Avoid reacting impulsively to feeling badly by doing the following: “I always ran away from problems and challenges…So I resigned…  I dropped out… I quit the job“. When you feel badly, do something to feel better: maybe take a hot shower or bath, drink hot tea, or go for a walk outside, do some other exercise, listen to a calming guided meditation, or to your favorite music. After you calm down, then think about what, if anything, you should do next.

* Work on regulating your emotions (you can research emotional regulation, if you would like), so that you don’t experience emotional extremes and therefore, become overwhelmed. For example, you wrote: “If I work the job I hate it just for money, I will feel my life is dead“- if you feel significantly less than hate and dead, you are not likely to become overwhelmed and react impulsively to the emotional extremes by, for example, quitting jobs.

* “I’m too worried about the uncertainty of the future”– try to regulate/ lessen the intensity of that worry.

You wrote:  “I want to have a better version of myself in 2022… I want to make improvement day by day and become a better me, most importantly break free from my tower!“- I wish the better version of you a Happy New Year, and a 2022 freedom from that tower! Thank you for your kind wishes for me, and please feel comfortable to post again any time: the road ahead will not an easy road and you will need support!

anita