Dear Ryan,

Thank you for this solid summation! I will certainly use this when I meet with a new counselor. … I need to work on breaking this pattern I’ve been stuck in for so long.

you are very welcome. I hope you can get to the bottom of this pattern and break free from it, i.e. heal the emotional wound behind it.

Unfortunately, there is just something missing that hasn’t allowed me to stay here and try a long-term relationship

she has helped me to open up more than anyone has in some time. We’ve had some real “heart-to-hearts” these past few months, which has been therapeutic in a sense.

She too suffers from anxiety and depression and had an often dark childhood that she hasn’t been willing to share with me. Maybe that is part of the reason why we click so well?

Could be, since you share a lot of similarities. It probably feels good to open up to a woman (since you didn’t have that with your mother), so that could be an attraction point. However, this woman is inviting and accepting of you – even though she didn’t tell you all the details of her dark childhood – and this isn’t very attractive, because you crave to win over a woman that is not so inviting and not so accepting. A woman who keeps up her walls.

The child in you is still trying to win over a woman behind those walls…. your own mother.

I’d like us to eventually find a way to transition to friends, but I know that will be extremely difficult. I do care deeply for her (love perhaps?)

I can imagine you care for her, and you like the emotional intimacy you’ve shared. As I said, that’s probably an “attraction point”, and the reason you feel an affection towards her. But not the kind of love you’d need for a romantic relationship…

As for staying friends, I remember you also wanted to remain close friends with your previous girlfriend (the mother of a little boy). But she refused it, because she didn’t want you to be her emotional confidante while refusing to be her romantic partner. And I can understand her, because it’s hard to remain friends with someone you have feelings for.

Could it be that now you want to stay friends for the same reason: because emotional sharing with this woman feels good, you like it?

What comes to mind is that you have a need for emotional sharing and intimacy, which is a valid need. But perhaps you could have this need met differently, not necessarily by getting involved in a romantic relationship – I mean, for now, till you heal the emotional wound.

On the other thread, you asked anita:

Do you have any recommendations for managing anxiety? I’m relocating for the new job in the new city this weekend and my anxiety is growing.

What do you think your anxiety is related to? One suggestion that anita gave you is to find an opportunity to socialize and enjoy other people’s company. How do you feel about that? Perhaps opening up to a select number of people – those you feel you can trust (even if it’s just one person) – would meet some of your need  for emotional closeness and sharing? Or that would feel too vulnerable for you?