Rewriting above post because it looks weird

It’s funny but, just as you were writing me you don’t want to do it anymore, I was writing instructions to deal with the situation(I was thinking about it all night because I do want to communicate via email).  I was thinking about it last night.  If you would’ve waited a few minutes, you would have seen me working on the problem.  I understand this is frustrating but…I will copy paste the email I sent on Tuesday to you, so you know that it really is just techinical difficulties not my hesitation.

Email below

On Tuesday, January 11, 2022, 8:43 PM, M. S. wrote:

Hi Anita,

I’ve been kind of waiting for your response to my last post. Not hearing from you got me thinking, and now I feel I may have done something to make you not want to write to me anymore. I guess I got used to the way we communicated on Tiny Buddha so I’m …I don’t know. I will address each thing I think I did to change the course of our interaction.

1.) I think maybe you read in my last post where I said I wanted to communicate weekly. Maybe that’s why you haven’t responded yet. I actually miss hearing from you regularly (which is uncomfortable for me…that emotion). In my post, I was trying to be responsible. I didn’t want you to think I would use writing to you as an excuse not to handle responsibilities (dealing with F). Anyway, I like when you respond to me and let me know when you intend to respond. I like writing to you too. In my post, I was thinking ahead and I wanted you to know that I could commit to writing at least once a week no matter what the circumstances as to reassure you that I wouldn’t disappear or stop writing. I worried too about how I would manage my time and emotions as I think we would write about deep stuff -meaning there would be times I wouldn’t be able to write as often as I would like, but I would be committed to our interaction. I also wanted you to know I wouldn’t pressure you to write to me…I hope that makes sense. I was dealing with a problem that hadn’t happened yet.

but I still want to stay in the supportive(?) context we had…So, I hope we can continue writing like before

2.) When we communicated on Monday regarding the whole process of switching to email, I was responding via my phone and I was at work, so my responses on Tiny Buddha were kind of curt. So, I may have given the impression that I wasn’t too excited about communicating via email anymore…which wasn’t the case. I’ll explain below.

I didn’t think that you would say yes to my email request. I really thought you had made up your mind that you would only email me if Tiny Buddha shut down. After you said yes, I was really happy and then I had a panic/fear based reaction. It came out of nowhere. I was just so scared. I think I was fearful of what I did…(I had a scary situation with someone I once wrote to that turned into a hacker situation and all of that came up and I panicked).

I did reread our posts(I printed them all out) and then I realized you’ve been nothing but thoughtful to me and I calmed down. If I came across, cold maybe, that was why. Also, I’m not used to communicating with people so openly. I’ve been more open to you about my inner world than anyone. Even though I haven’t share a lot I guess, for me it’s a lot. A part of me feels its best to stay guarded.  Exchanging emails isn’t being guarded, hence the panic, which just happened out of nowhere.

If you’re just busy and haven’t gotten to me yet. I understand. There are a lot of people on TB with big problems. Maybe it’s not as easy for you to respond the same way in email? Either way, I can be patient and wait until you have time. However, if it’s because of me, I didn’t mean to communicate disinterest in continued communication.

You said, “Good thing, I am glad, I feel good about it!!!” I didn’t know I would feel good about it but I do,” I was happy that you felt good about it but my fear was a little stronger when first I read those words. I now want you to know that I liked that you felt good about communicating with me. It was nice to read as (outside of my fear), I was happy that someone whom I really respect wanted to write to me.

I guess I think people can only like me for a little while or if they don’t know me well and my panic was about that too.

I’ve been feeling a little bad about this.

I wanted us to write for a long time….I imagined asking you advice about life stuff.

But if you don’t want to write to me anymore, please let me know.

PS. If you’re worried about all the God talk in my previous post, I don’t push my beliefs on others and I definitely wouldn’t do that to you. I just shared because you asked(as He’s a part of all of my serendipity moments). No, you blocking my email was not my kind of serendipity. I wondered if you unconsciously didn’t want to write to me, if it was a sign. I decided, however, that I was reading into it. But when you’re scared, everything is possible.

It could be too, that I am just overreacting and anxious until I find out how to communicate with you here.

I hope you’ve been sleeping better and you got your truck fixed. What helps when I can’t sleep is a “sounds of nature” app on my phone. I listen to waves and whale sounds. If you want to know more, please let me know.

Please be patient with me.

m

This was what I wrote in the beginning when I thought you were angry at me.

Do you still not want to try communicating via email?  I was really hurt when I thought you were blocking me so that must mean something, right?

I’m interested in your thoughts.