Hi anita

Girija speaks this way, in a way that moves. – that’s nice of you to say.

I wonder if she can put this gift into use, develop it and put it into use – for that to happen I need to be significantly less chaotic and detached. Maybe I am in the process of developing it.

what are these situations that you need to break away from? – the theme of my life is I don’t have safety nets. Like a shelter to rest and refresh. I hate working . I can’t believe I’m saying that knowing how important it is for me to earn, but that is what it is. I don’t have ambitions yet I’m forced to climb these stupid ladders because I can never afford to be unemployed. That stress sucks. I need to factor in the entire family’s retirement fund for me to retire. No breaks allowed, it just sucks. Most people don’t need a break, but I am just weird, not normal.

People bother me in general. I am uncomfortable around most people. I cannot forgive people at all. When someone at work hurts me I can’t shake it off and move on.

But this is the main thing I want to highlight – I somehow seem to draw out the bullies in people in the family and at work. And I somehow land up in places with no support. It just so happens that my lead does not lead us at all at work. The pattern repeats. Just like my parents didn’t parent. I can’t bear to simply pass the pressure down to my juniors, so it weighs me down. I know the simple answer would be find a new job. Which I will. But at the same time I am demotivated. I don’t really want to be who I am in all of my “situations” – the daughter that has to earn, the developer that has to do things way above her experience. Atleast with the latter, some people love the challenge, I would too but I stress myself out. I want less stressful situations. Atleast one situation where it’s ok to fall. Atleast one situation where I have support.

It always feel like me against the world. But it has always been this way. In college, one of my teachers pulled me aside and said you look like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Oddly enough my first manager said it looked like I finally dropped the weight on my shoulders when he was giving me my first promotion – this was because my mom’s health took all my attention and I decided to stop caring about my manager and work. He caught on to that.

Girija