Dear Anita,

Thank you for the in-depth reply.

At the time I spoke to my friends who are polyamorous and they said that how Magic behaved was inappropriate and not polyamory. My best friend Hazel is polyamorous and said this: “Put it this way, it’d be like me planning a trip to go and see Anna (her girlfriend) and when getting in to her house, instantly inquiring about her girlfriend. It would just be so out of order”. How would Anna feel in that situation if she had been told that her loving girlfriend had come to see her and then made a comment about someone else?

To put it simply. Respectful people seek to build relationships with others and carefully navigate ways of doing so. This goes the same for poly people too. What Magic did, was that he said that the trip and connection was about us, and then came in to my house and then made the situation about someone else. How can I put this – it’s like, having a potential partner, meeting up with them to discuss where you’re both at in the relationship and then them commenting on the person on the table next to you. Would you really think that that person was deep, meaningful and sincere?

I have spoken to alot of poly people about this. And sadly, Magic is doing the same thing that alot of young people are doing these days – which is being attracted to alot of people and labelling it “polyamory”. Polyamory is the ability to build trusting relationships based on communication and trust. What Magic, and alot of other people are doing, is travelling around and having instant connections with people that could lead to something physical. Magic, therefore, should resign himself as single. That way he won’t upset people that he’s already promised to build trust with. Does this make sense?

I can see why you are seeking to understand it from his perspective. As I normally do with things. A lot of good hearted, spiritual people would. But through this life I’ve realised the importance of amplifying your voice when its needed the most, and standing up for yourself when you’re being walked over. As a woman, we often silence ourselves in moments when we deserved to be treated better and seen. I listened to my heart, my passion, my soul and in that moment I stayed 100% true to my mind that was telling me – I deserve more.

That trip was a lot…. He stayed in a hotel and we spent the week messaging back and forth and I would meet him and try and show him places. But quite frankly, the male entitlement and privilege that came off him was too much for me. Many times my intuition was telling me that we need to part ways and so I did. I was in constant torment all week of trying to show him around but at the same time, when I was in his presence, it didn’t feel right. I felt like I was doing myself an injustice. Energy doesn’t lie!

By the end of the week, my housemates and I welcomed him back in to the house. Magic seemed a little manic at this point, and I still felt harmed being around him. I wish I hadn’t let him back in. He spent alot of time complaining to me about his girlfriend, and then he delayed his flight to France for a couple days and didn’t tell her. Then she was on videocall crying alot and he’d be reassuring her. He was lying to her too – and this is just a behaviour from a man that I really don’t support. It’s lying, and it’s quite misogynistic. Seeing himself first, women secondary , treating them in accordance to how they benefit his life in the moment.

He was lying to his girlfriend about how he felt towards me. Then complaining about his girlfriend to me. Telling me that he wanted to “fix” things between me and him and that I’m his twin flame, and then making it seem my fault when I was upset that he made the trip about someone else.

He spent time with my housemates and Lucy, and I left him in the house when I went to attend my work christmas party (at the residential home). I went there and hugged my colleagues who are my friends and I know they care about me. I stayed as long as I could because I didn’t want to go back to Magic. It felt horrible being in his presence because everything was about him. It felt like I was avoiding going back to an abusive relationship.

After that party, I met Magic in town and he said he wasn’t well. On the bus back to mine we were sat on the back seat and Magic leaned in to my ear and whispered, in a really bitter voice. “When you were gone, I wanted to go up to Lucy’s room and talk to her for hours”. I asked him not to mention it please as we’d spent the week trying to move on from the whole situation and he was due to fly back to France in the morning.

He then continued “You know what Cat. She’s kind, generous, loving. Not like you, you’re bitter, you’re mean, jealous, controlling”. He then stormed up the front of the bus. My heart couldn’t take it anymore. This man wasn’t thinking about my feelings, or Lucy’s feelings. This man was someone who just thought about himself and what he wanted in the moment,

I asked him to leave again, and at first he refused. He said “there’s 5 people in that house. Let’s democratize the house and have a vote. (As if my all-female all-friends housemates would vote for him to stay). We got back and I told my housemates what happened and they instantly said, “No. He needs to go”. My housemate Clara said “He made the mistake once, and you worked through it. But you told him how it made you feel, and he knows how it makes you feel and how it upsets you. So he’s chosen to do that. This is completely out of order”.

Clara and Sam (housemates) drove Magic to a hotel near the airport.

The next day I received a phonecall from the Bristol airport police saying that Magic was manic and they were worried about him. Magic ended up going to a psychiatric hosptial where he had a psychotic breakdown.

I spoke to his dad on the phone and he said that Magic was taking anti-psychotics before lockdown and stopped taking them beginning of lockdown and that it was common for him to get manic to the point of delusions. His girlfriend flew over to see him, and his dad asked me to stay away in case I triggered Magic or made it worse.

It was intense, and there was alot of hurt between us. We couldn’t really keep up communication over technology as it was hurting me too much so we parted ways.

I do hope Magic gets better, but I still can’t put myself in a position where I’m being hurt.

Also – more to catch up on. ALOT has happened in December, I’ll write all after I’ve seen your reply to this.

Hope you’re well!

Cat