Dear Girija:

“I read your most recent reply, anita. I am sorry to hear you caught covid. Really glad to hear you have mild symptoms. I wish you a full recovery! Please take care and rest well” – thank you, Girija. I think that everyone is going to catch the highly contagious (and relatively mild, particularly for the vaccinated) omicron, if it continues to be the dominant variant.

“I understand the difference now. I certainly had and continue to have a desire for closeness. I agree with that… The chaotic one inside…  I might not even have had this chaos inside me” – the chaos inside the chaotic one was created because of the lack of love, the lack of emotional support.

When you don’t have anyone to depend on emotionally, anxiety goes up and chaos is created: “Anything could happen. I don’t have security of any kind, and no one to depend on“.

As anxiety goes up, you need emotional support even more, so when there is a perceived opportunity to get it, you get too excited, too desperate, and that excitement and desperation add to the chaos: “I seem to be desperate for connection. I open up to people when I first meet them, easily joking, having fun conversations and readily discussing problems… My excitement to me used to feel genuine and open. Now, I feel it is chaotic. Just desperate and needy“.

“The desire or yearning for support and love has robbed me of my confidence and motivation” – if I may edit, it is the unsatisfied desire for support and love that has robbed you from your confidence and motivation.

I asked you if you could live peacefully away from your mother (and father) if you have live-in home care for her, someone who will drive her to the hospital in case of emergency, and you answered: “Yes, absolutely. But usually, the people here come from smaller villages and are very careless. We saw that with my grandmother, even with us in the house. If I could find a service of good quality, I will vanish from this house in a second” –

– are you saying then that all that you mean to your mother, in her mind and heart, is a live-in home caretaker with the ability to drive her to the hospital and such?

Try to think about the question I just asked you when you are calm, in a meditative kind of state, absorbing the question thoroughly before considering an answer.

anita

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