Dear Girija/Samy

I have been following your story on this forum (and many others too-like Dave F “stuck in loneliness..” amazing conversations ) because I feel that I learn a lot about myself and my emotional world/wounds through the communication you and others have shared on this forum. Having followed your story, I repeatedly see a pattern where you are stuck (for lack of a better word-sorry if it feels offensive) in a thinking that love/intimacy issues can be solved with finding a partner -and finding a partner is dependent on your physical attributes. I get you, you want to experience love with a person, and I want the same for you. I think you are as pretty as you choose to see yourself as pretty (if it makes sense). I dont want to hijack your story with mine, but maybe offer another perspective to the way that you view “being pretty” and relationships.

First being pretty is overrated and doesnt guarantee a loving relationship! Pretty people feel very lonely too, sometimes even more lonely! I am writing to you not as someone that feels sorry for herself  but as a sister in this world, that cheers on you and wants you to see yourself differently. Second, most of the body related things you can change with diet/exercise /make up- if you wish but most importantly, you need to see yourself in the mirror beautiful and deserving of real caring and true love. Love that will not leave you if you have a bad stomach flu one day, or feel depressed and defeated by life.

I am often seen as someone pretty by the conventional standards, yet I am single after 3 long-term relationships (in my late 30ies now).  My 5y partner left our engagement because I am too driven and in his own words “too fit and pretty” so he left me and married my best friend (she is overweight -no sorry needed, i am over it). In my last 3y relationship that i am recovering from -my partner initially loved everything about me for 3 months, then spent 2.5 years breaking me down ( from my intelligence to my looks/self esteem -i have been in therapy for 1.5 years working on myself and understanding why I allowed it). Men that approach me see me as a trophy to win. That is why i dont date on apps and my walls are still a little bit too high now, but im becoming more open to love as months go by…

Even my boss has tried to downplay my work achievements by saying in meetings that the only reason why I get opportunities/invitations by companies to give a talk, is because I am good looking (note; i work really hard and have sacrificed a lot for my career). It hurts a lot, so many times i locked myself into work bathroom crying wishing they would see how much I care about my job/how much passion I have. Yes I can now finally accept who I am and laugh at all that because of the work I have been doing on myself. But my message is, yes being pretty opens some doors but most of those doors you would wish later that you never opened.

I am aware of the arranged marriage culture ( even if I am not from that culture, my 3 year partner was), and living with your parents -in laws and extended family until married. I know that it is hard to break free from that, emotionally complex because of shame/guilt and feeling abandoned by the only family you only know. Also many of our ideas about how things are or should be come from the values/ideas rooted in our families so it can feel like not knowing who we are if we leave those beliefs behind. But it seems to me that you want something different, you want to build a life you choose for yourself, you want to find your type of people and grow emotional intimacy  with a person (not only physical). Work on finding real caring friends that allow you to practise being emotionally available (safe friends if I may suggest so you dont have to worry as much about attraction or if someone just wants you for sex). I like how you are trying to change things by working out and changing diet- it is important for our well being more than our looks. And by changing our well being, it changes the way we view ourself and the way others perceive us, because our energy suddenly irradiates postive vibes/that we are enough on our own. And that is very attractive! all my love to you