Dear Dave:

“The genderlessness is very interesting, almost as though we should not relate showing emotional with femininity, but as just a part of ourselves” – yes, absolutely! Emotions are not any more feminine than they are masculine. Emotions are simply human, everyone has them.

Repressing emotions is unhealthy for everyone and expressing them is healthy for everyone. When expressing our emotions in the presence of other people, we need to be authentic and considerate of the other person, for example, to not go on and on without end, causing the other person to get stuck in our misery.

“I just felt close to tears, out of pure joy and happiness… I explained what we have talked about here, that I guess I still felt a stigma as a man crying. Kate said that she sees me showing my feelings and tears as a sign of courage and strength” – experiencing emotion, being overwhelmed with joy and happiness, that’s simply natural. Removing the gender bias of shame that has been attached to boys and men expressing vulnerability- that is an act of courage and strength! You are courageous and strong, and Kate is wise to recognize it!

“Kate, she certainly is someone who is caring, empathetic and absolutely supporting of my showing and feeling my emotions deeply“, “The more connected I feel in romantic relationships, the more my anxious attachment is soothed” – as lovely as Kate is (and she is very lovely!) she cannot undo your anxious attachment that took hold when you were a child. Your adult relationship with Kate is the right relationship for you to be in while you, as an individual, work on your anxious attachment. You can share about this work with Kate, but keep in mind that the work is primarily your individual challenge, your individual responsibility. I say this because I want you to have realistic expectations of Kate and of the relationship, and I want this healthy, loving relationship to keep going and going…

anita