Dear TheAwakening/ Reader:

April 2014, TheAwakening: “I finally got off all the terrible, poorly prescribed medication of anti-depressants that I had been using as a crutch for the past 10 years. I was in a job where I was miserable, and I finally gathered the courage to quit it last year. I also found a fantastic therapist who helped take me off the meds” –

– All good things: getting off psych meds (psych meds do not provide emotional healing, but at best, they provide better management of emotions and symptoms), quitting a job that made you feel miserable, all while attending fantastic psychotherapy. Quality psychotherapy is the best context in which to quit psych drugs and make other significant life changes.

“I discovered the teachings of Eckhart Tolle…. I experienced a little bit of the peace that comes with stillness… discovered some tools that helped me calm my mind” – you learned and practiced a few emotional regulation skills, which are necessary for emotional management and healing, excellent!

“4 days ago, my therapist introduced me to the concept of taking ownership for your life. To….  take responsibility for yourself, to not be a victim of circumstance…  and to drive your life in the direction you want to head. I’ve been mulling over this concept for the last 3-4 days” –

– your therapist introduced you to the concept known as Locus of control, which means the degree to which people believe that they, as opposed to external forces beyond their influence, have control over the outcome of events in their lives. Individuals with a strong internal locus of control believe that events in their life are primarily a result of their own actions and that they have significant control over their lives. People with a strong external locus of control tend to praise or blame external factors, believing that have little to no control over their lives.

“It is a powerful one indeed – the idea that I and I alone am the FULL OWNER of my own life – it’s scary and exhilarating at the same time” – you took the concept of internal locus of control to the extreme: no person has FULL power and control over their lives. The great escalation of climate change, the pandemic and the resulting economic consequences (all happening close to 6 years after you made your original post) are all major examples to the fact that every individual on this planet is far from having full ownership of his/ her life.

“For the last 10-15 years, I was trapped in cycles of self-pity, waiting for external acknowledgement, looking for direction from the outside. The idea of OWNERSHIP negates these patterns – it is directly opposite to self-pity and the blame game” – moderation would have been helpful here, aiming at gradually and patiently taking more ownership of your life, rather than taking FULL ownership instantly.

“But taking ownership has also made me realise that everything that has happened in my life, I have done to myself, unconsciously or consciously… I should have done MANY MANY MANY things differently in my past – I should have accepted myself, understood myself, chosen different friends… But I didn’t. So today, I find myself feeling emotionally cut-off from others…I find myself alone. And I feel like I’ve brought this upon myself. I’ve messed my own life up, by my own hand” –

– you did not have full control over your life before 2014, not in 2014 when you posted here, and not now, in 2022. I know this because no one has ever had full control over his/ her life. Being caught up in this extreme thinking, you beat yourself up for not having taken advantage of the control that you did (not) have.

When you were a young child, during your most significant formative years- you had no control over your life; you were instead dependent on the grownups who fed you, clothed you and sheltered you.

“And I don’t know what to do next. I’ve had enough of looking back…  I have not yet discovered my own values. I’ve always borrowed a little bit from here and there and tried to put together a picture of myself. But I find I can’t do that anymore… I feel like a shadow, trying to become a solid” –

– you were rushing at that point, aiming at taking more control over your life than was possible for you. You needed more therapy and more time to gradually, little by little, one step at a time, take more and more control over your life. Not full control, but more. Believing incorrectly that you had full control and always had, overwhelmed you and made you feel like a shadow.

“And I don’t like myself very much. I feel poor, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And I’m tired of trying. Tired of trying to stay positive, tired of readjusting my mental patterns every time I think I’m falling down a hole, tired of trying to be better… How can I claim ownership without beating myself up? And how can I stop feeling poor? I’m confused and exhausted at being confused” – believing incorrectly that (1) you always had full control over your life, and that (2) you failed to take advantage of such (nonexistent) ability to fully control your life was a testimony of your inadequacy as a person led to you beating yourself up, feeling poorly, and feeling hopeless and exhausted, and wanting to give up altogether, falling down a hole, like you said.

A psychotherapist has to be careful when introducing new concepts to a patient, and make sure the concept is not misunderstood and taken to the extreme, overwhelming the patient.

anita

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