Dear Dandan:

You are welcome. You wrote today, February 18, 2022, about last Sunday, February 13, five days ago: “Last Sunday I had to go to meet friends…  they forced me and gave in. Drank… She somehow found I was drinking and suddenly called me up. I didn’t pick up the call…  She deleted my number from her contacts. Her replies were different from then. She said like it is my life, and she doesn’t care. The next day when I texted, she again said we shouldn’t text…  that she doesn’t want a husband who drinks a lot. Who has bad company” –

– (1) Your friends forced you to drink, you wrote. You went out to meet friends who, like you, are in the habit of drinking. If you really wanted to stop drinking, you wouldn’t have met friends whom you know are like you, in the habit of drinking,

(2) She deleted your number 5 days ago but continued to message you afterwards. Sadly, there is no evidence yet that she has moved on.

“Now my mind is full of her thoughts. Imagining gifs of her laughs, smiles, walk, dressing, hugging, intimacy, everything. I miss her. I was so stupid to let her go” – she has not contacted you in the last couple of days or so, long enough for you to want her again.

April 30, 2021:”my mom is not low and depressed all the time, but most of the time when she is inside the home. She loves going out, eating out in restaurants, going for long drives, tours, and specially going to movie theatres to watch movies. Once we plan to go out somewhere, she becomes more happy and enthusiastic…  With herself, at home, most of the time in my childhood, we used to watch tv a lot. She watches tv programs a lot. She needs some entertainment this way to be normal. Else she is low. She used to tell that it’s so boring and low“-

– You grew up experiencing your mother’s experience: at home, the distraction from the “low and depressed… so boring and low” dominant emotional experience was watching TV. Any positive excitement that happened at home, happened on the TV screen as you passively watched it. When not distracted by TV, home life was low and depressed, so boring and low.

Outside the home, the excitement was about leaving the low and depressed, so boring and experiencing excitement, particularly when part of the outing included watching movies on the big movie theatre screen.

Fast forward, in regard to your sort of ex-girlfriend whom we’ve been discussing, your excitement was not- and is not- about interacting with her in real-life, but about passively watching her on the TV screen inside your brain, that is, your mental TV/ movie theater screen.

When talking to her (or when in her physical company), it feels like being at home without the TV distraction, it feels low and depressed, so boring and low, and heavy: “When I talk to her, I don’t want her, and things feel heavy“.

The positive excitement at home was not happening when actively interacting with your mother and others in the family, it was happening when you passively watched TV, and when you passively watched your mother looking and sounding happy as she watched TV.

I used the term “sort of ex-girlfriend” in regard to the young woman because as I see it, she has been nothing more than a TV girlfriend character, in your experience: one to passively watch on a screen, not one to actively interact with.

You shared: “Whenever I watch a series in Netflix or any happy moments, I can’t stop imagining sharing the joy with her… These images and scenes keep flashing in my mind…. I always lived in an imaginary life with her. Imagining watching movies, having kids, triplets specifically and everything. I was living in imagination” –

– you live in imagination, watching that mental TV screen within your head, images and scenes keep flashing in your mind, your words, images and scenes starring a TV-girlfriend-actress-girlfriend and a second main character representing yourself.

“When I don’t talk to her, I feel I want her, and I miss her” – when you talk to her, she does not compete well with the exciting TV-girlfriend-actress in your imaginings. In comparison, she is dull and boring, and you are no longer excited about her. But when you don’t talk to her, after some time, you forget how dull she is in-person, and you imagine her again as that exciting character on your mental TV screen.

In your original post, April 29, 2021, you shared that you had “this huge interest in going to a European company with a job offer and work there“. You were excited, your mood was elevated. Motivated, you arranged to be interviewed, attended interviews, then “got an offer from a good German company, in Munich. With a decent package“, but you got scared, “didn’t have the guts… can only think about…  how lonely I will get there”. So, you rejected the offer, regretted it immediately, interviewing again, got a second offer, accepted it, got scared, and sent a second email rejecting it. “After a couple of days, I again started regretting the best opportunity that I got ever in my life, for which I worked so hard“-

– my best understanding of the above (in a simplified way, not including all people and all circumstances of your childhood) is that when you were growing up, you watched your mother low and depressed, so boring and low, and as a result, you felt the same. You then watched her more happy and enthusiastic when watching TV or when going out and about and watching movies on the big screen. As a result, you felt the same. But time after time, you watched your mother going from more happy back to low and depressed, and every time it happened, the low and depressed felt even lower. The result: you became very anxious when she looked and sounded more happy because you knew that more low and depressed is next.

Fast forward, you felt more happy and enthusiastic when you imagined having a job in Europe (parallel to anticipating watching TV/ going out and about with your mother), but once it is about to happen, you get anxious because you know that the more low and depressed is next.

You wrote today, February 18, 2022: “I want to try many things like acting class, dance music etc. Explore many things… my 9-5 tech job. Job isn’t satisfying. Wanna learn swimming too. And martial arts” – you want to make yourself a better-looking movie star in your imaginary TV show/ movie, a better dancer. But your mind and heart will be in a much better, healthier place if you resolve to abandon the TV/ movie mentality and make your life be about…real-life, that is, life as it is, the only one that is available to you.

anita