Hi Teak,

Yes I agree I need to address the inner phychological issues of me. Thinking of being perfect all the time and getting confidence or a positive mindset only from it is also not feasible. I need to accept for what and how i am and start being happy about. Last year i didn’t even have the mental strength to continue the conversation here. I was feeling so depressed and lonely. I was running away from any complicated conversations. But since the starting of this year i stared feeling better. I made peace with my dream of going out for work, i started feeling normal and happy about being here, had plans for business of something. But by the time i slowly recovered, she was moving away. I was never able to forget her and look for other girls. It just that i did not express and kept this suppressed in my mind. But i realised I can’t be without her and she is the one. I need to work on my issues to be able to be in a relationship. I was already getting better. On this Jan 26th when i went to my friends place to attend a marriage i got stuck there and had to drink of peer pressure. But the thing is I already decided that was the last few of my drinking days, atleast regular drinking spree. I had already decided and made up my mind not to keep drinking like last year and this year i need to work on some potential side business and be productive. She messaged me that asking if i drank and i said yes, she asked me to stop how much ever i drank but i playfully said just two more. She got upset and said i had absolutely no hope, for which I sent a smiley. I was not like before with an intention to drink always and not to care about anything. I changed, i drank that day only because of a social gathering. It hurts me because i didn’t want to get stuck there at all that day. There was covid lockdown here and i couldn’t leave as i wouldn’t have been able to reach back home before lockdown at night. These things keep running in my mind now like i shouldn’t have and i should have done this done that replied this way, called her and made her understand.

But now she is gone. None of the dreams are making sense now. I couldn’t sleep even today. Getting panic attacks and waking up. It ended in a brutal way, teak. In a painful way. It hurts so much to hear those words from her. I ignored her pushed her away multiple times, i know, but i didn’t do it for another girl or some other happy reason. I did it with a heavy heart not being able to handle or process the emotional relationship. But that is also painful right ? I was in pain too last year. Different kind of pain than what it feels to get ignored. Now all together it is hurting my soul. Practically i know i need to go through this pain, and suffer. I don’t know how to treat my inner issues. I want to treat it now. But don’t know how. But again, nothing makes sense to me, i feel like what is the use of treating me now, she is gone. I feel like everything is gone. Right now I don’t even feel like having a life . 🙁

And yes, i can have a stable healthy lifestyle without drinking for months and years also . I am not addicted to alcohol, like i need alcohol into my blood. I craved for that happy gathering that we have while drinking. It hurts because she thought i am addicted and can never come out of it. But the point is I also replaced that pleasure from drinks with the habit of workouts. Working out and seeking results is itself a getting high feeling. I replace that with other productive things. But she thinks i am a drunkard. I am not a drunkard. And i missed my chance to prove it to her in last couple of weeks. That hurts a lot.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Dandan.