Dear Dandan,

You say that since the beginning of this year you started feeling better, but she was already moving away:

But since the starting of this year i stared feeling better. I made peace with my dream of going out for work, i started feeling normal and happy about being here, had plans for business of something. But by the time i slowly recovered, she was moving away.

However, your description of events and the way you behaved just very recently, even this February, speaks differently – it speaks that you haven’t really changed much.

First, on the New Year’s Eve or thereabout, she told you she missed you and asked you about the prospect of you two being together. You said nothing, because you were unsure and you couldn’t promise her anything:

During this new year she said she misses me, and that we both are anyway not able to move apart, and stuff like that. I was upset because i didn’t make abs till now. And have to start all over again. I couldn’t tell her anything.

Then on January 14, she asked you again, and you again said nothing, because you knew you are the same as before – meaning undecisive:

On Jan 14 she asked how much have i moved on, i did not answer at all cuz i know i was the same as before.

During the entire month of January and beginning of February, you went to your friends to drink. She was in touch with you all this time, telling you she misses you and wants to be with you. But you ignored that, even though you knew that your drinking bothers her and that it makes her feel less for you:

And that everytime I go to my friends to drink her feelings decreases. I didn’t pay attention even still. Even in Feb starting.

In February you went to some festivity, maybe a wedding, and you stayed there for a week, drinking heavily:

Since Jan i am making good progress in workout.  But in Feb once i went to meet friends for some occasion and stuck there for a week drinking day heavily. The first day she asked me if i had met someone in the marriage i went and i said no. I was drinking then, she asked me to think about my belly and stop. I said 2 more. And she said i have absolutely no hope. I sent a laughing smiley cuz i was high.

She begged you to stop drinking, you refused and nonchalantly sent her a smiley.

5 days later, she told you that she agreed that her parents start looking for a groom for her. You say it broke you and you regretted all your drinking and partying. You also express your interest – for the first time – to be with her again:

5 days later, i got a message from her saying she agreed to her parents to look for profiles for her. I was so regretting going to friends that time. As she told it i broke down, i asked aren’t we gonna try us again.

She was reluctant to reconsider, but you were trying to convince her, and it lasted for several days, you two were having long talks. Eventually she said no:

She got so mad that day and said she doesn’t want this and i was so late etc. Hours and hours of conversation. But i broke down and started convincing her. She didn’t agree. Next day she said this wont workout at all.

You weren’t too broken about it. You continued to have a casual chat with her. It felt like talking to an ex:

That day evening o started talking casually with her. She too replied. I understood it was a casual conversation with ex. We had casual chat for a week i guess.

Finally, last Sunday you went to another wedding and eventually started drinking. When she called you, you were too drunk to act sober, so you chose not to answer the phone:

And again last Sunday i had to go to meet friends for another marriage. This time i resisted a lot for drinking. But finally they forced me and gave in. Drank. And that time she had sent me a video and asked translation for it on my language, i didn’t reply for long. She somehow found i was drinking and suddenly called me up. I didn’t pick up the call as i for paniked. Didn’t have any excuse to tell.

That’s when she decided to delete your number from her contacts and told you she doesn’t want to speak to you again:

She deleted my number from her contacts. Her replies were different from then. She said like it is my life and she doesn’t care. The next day when i texted, she again said we shouldn’t text. She had explained everything already. It was a lengthy conversation. She said everything, asking me to leave her alone etc. And that she doesn’t want a husband who drinks a lot. Who has bad company. And also other reasons like she had already moved on when i left her last year. She says it is not a sudden decision the the process that happened since last year. I understood that.

It is interesting that now, when she finally deleted your number and chose not to speak to you again – now you feel devastated and broken. But only a week earlier, when she told you she doesn’t want to be with you, you weren’t too affected. You continued to chat casually with her. You felt fine chatting to her like to an ex.

This tells me that you don’t miss her as a potential life partner and wife, but as someone nice and caring on the other side of the line, talking to you sometimes, when you feel depressed and lonely. That’s why you are panicking now, when this caring person on the other side of the line is gone. You didn’t panic when she told you she doesn’t want to be with you. But you did panic when she told you she doesn’t want to communicate with you any more.

It seems you needed her as a listening ear, not as a partner to share your life with. Perhaps she was cheering you on, encouraging you while you were depressed and drinking. You needed that positive, encouraging voice, but you didn’t really want to give up drinking. To really change. You wanted the status quo to continue.

As for your drinking, Dandan, you say you’re not a drunkard and that you can lead a life without alcohol:

I am not addicted to alcohol, like i need alcohol into my blood. … I am not a drunkard.

I also replaced that pleasure from drinks with the habit of workouts. … Working out and seeking results is itself a getting high feeling.

Maybe in the beginning you felt good about working out, but after a while maintaining a strict workout regime was hard, and you started drinking again: “was still struggling with my workouts. Lost progress. I was so obsessed with six packs abs.  But kept drinking till the end.”

You were drinking in the same period while you were working out. So working out cannot replace your need to drink, at least not in the long run.

Also, you were making good progress with your workout in January, but in spite of that, you went to your friends to a drinking spree, which lasted for an entire week. Meaning, again, that workout didn’t replace your need for alcohol:

Since Jan i am making good progress in workout.  But in Feb once i went to meet friends for some occasion and stuck there for a week drinking day heavily.

Also, you are telling yourself you are only drinking because of company. But you know that your company is a drinking company, those are your buddies whom you go on drinking sprees regularly. You know what will happen once you go those parties.

I already decided that was the last few of my drinking days, at least regular drinking spree. I was not like before with an intention to drink always and not to care about anything. I changed, i drank that day only because of a social gathering.

Whenever you go out with your friends, you always end up getting wasted. You can’t drink in moderation. Which means you do have a drinking problem. The sooner you admit it to yourself, the better.

If you would like to really work on your healing – both from emotional wounds and from addiction – I am here to help. But I can’t help you if you are denying that you have a problem.