Dear anita

You said it right. I wished that the therapist intervened my thoughts and worked with me on my issues. It seems that during the last months I literally fed even more that negative side of me. It feels like nobody can handle my oddity and intense thoughts even myself. Now that I have so much time in hand the “noises” in my head are taking even more room in my head. I wish that I know how to find silence in my head. I am trying my best to train mindfulness and also to take care of myself by meditating, eating well and go outside. Unfortunately I have difficulties to go back to my hobbys, because I acted irritating in the sport’s clubs and I think people kind of felt offended by me. I am not welcome if I am not coming as my stable self. I feel quite alone even if I see my parents more often now than during the last semester. I don’t feel like they can support me emotionally to get my inner hold back.

You asked if I have any person in my life who impacted me negatively. Even if my parents love me and would give everything they have, they used to be very demanding and discouraging at the same time. But they changed and don’t do it anymore especially since I moved out. They didn’t know it better back then and just wanted that I succeed. I don’t have a bad relationship with my parents, but I wish that they didn’t let me down emotionally when I most needed them. In every failure or rejection I was alone.

At the moment my little sister is somebody who impacts me negatively. She said very hurtful things that let me feel even more worthless. She even ignores me and gives me the cold shoulder when I am at home. I am also very envious of her life and compare myself very often with her, because we grew up in the same circumstances, but she seems to have her life together. I also know that she has a lot of friends she can rely on. It hurts to think that I am alone and that I will stay alone if I can’t fix myself.

Sesha