My mother was institutionalised because she expressed a desire to harm myself and my brother to a doctor.
We were placed in short term care whilst she recovered in hospital. When she was released from hospital I refused to return to her “care” because of the abuse.
Initially, I gave the option of pursuing a relationship with my mother from a distance on the condition that she acknowledged her abusive behaviour and apologised. She apologised but claimed to not remember any of the abuse. This was not enough for me as she was refusing to acknowledge her abusive behaviour. So I chose to cut contact entirely.
The state provided free access to child therapy for the abuse at home. This probably explains why I able to insist on setting boundaries as a teenager.
Honestly, I was terrified of her. As a child I cried myself to sleep at night. There were moments of rest between her abuse, but the abuse far outweighed those moments. Saying she loved me was like offering crumbs to someone starving. I did everything I could as a child to limit the time I was around her to protect myself. Once school age, this was relatively easy.
I can say that I did love her despite the abuse, as children do. I longed for her to be able to love me. However, I was acutely aware that she was incapable of returning those feelings.
Whilst some parents are incapable of love, children are inherently bonded to their parents. As I have grow older, my definition of love has become more rigid. I believe that love is based on treating people with kindness and respect.
Many people are too damaged by their own experiences and trapped in repeating the cycle of abuse. It takes a great deal of strength to break out of.
Well done on establishing those boundaries and protecting yourself, congratulations on breaking the cycle of abuse Anita. The circumstances you were born into were not your fault. I’m sorry that your mother wasn’t able to treat you with the love and kindness you deserve. I see that you are kind person and have helped many people.
What is interesting about love is that we are all born worthy of it, just by existing.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 