Dear Anita,

Thank you for responding.

you were not aware that you were abused; it was impossible for you to form the intent to prevent or fight abuse that you were not aware of. Even for sometime after the fact I did not realise I was abused. I knew something was wrong, but could not put a finger to it. Because he acted as if he had done everything right and everything was going right for him in his life, so I thought there must be something wrong with me. May be I should have stopped coming like he said. I started reading articles online day and night trying to figure out what was going on. I was able to relate to stories of people who had been abused and I could also relate to articles that mentioned about signs of being abused. And so, after many months I could understand I was abused. When this realization hit me, I suffered even more. I wondered how I could be so foolish. I knew this would not work out, so why did I continue. I also had to put with seeing his happy pictures with his wife at the same time that this realization hit me. And see him at work celebrating with colleagues. I tortured myself by looking at his social media pictures, it used to give me anxiety attacks.

I looked up to other people/ almost anyone and everyone, to know better than me, what is really happening and whether it is right or wrong. Thank you, this is something true of me. I just realized it reading your lines here. I relate so much to this, but I’ve never thought of it as clearly as you put it. Sometimes I don’t even know how to express what I think is wrong, this is one of those times. Depending on another person to do right by us, take decisions etc can work out sometimes for us positively, but most times they have their own personal agendas to achieve through us. I’ve also been told by many that I don’t know how to take decisions independent of others and have a lot of dependency on others.

You too looked up to him to do what was right for you. Very much, I thought he cannot do wrong to me because I trusted him after a certain point of time because of his words. I realise now that he could never do right for me neither as a partner, friend nor human being. I’ve also come to realise this about myself in other relationships that I have, professional or personal. I look to someone else to take decisions or do the right thing for me as opposed to me taking charge of my life. Do you have tips to overcome this?

I think that the answer is that conservative fathers want to conserve male dominance and superiority inside their home, therefore, they discourage their daughters to assert boundaries inside the home. Not just fathers, mothers too. Atleast at my home it was like that. I remember clearly in my teens if I spoke something which seemed clever, my mother discouraged such things or said you’re being oversmart.

The consequence of discouraging daughters from asserting boundaries in the home is that we don’t assert boundaries outside the home either. I am sure that most fathers, if not all, don’t want their daughters to be taken advantage of by men… but it’s either something they prefer to not think about, or it is a price they are willing to pay, so to conserve male dominance. Yes right, exactly! I wish I was taught how to assert myself when needed. It’s a skill that everyone needs to learn. I was not taught that, neither did I have any role model for that. Just the opposite, I learnt how to be docile and subservient even if others do whatever they want. Seeing the interactions of my parents, I learnt many wrong things, but we don’t realise it as children. My father would be heartbroken to know this. May be they don’t think it would happen to their daughters.

Regards,

Shve