I think there’s a desire to be loved and accepted by family. It’s sad, even by my own definition they don’t love me, because I’m not treat with respect. I believe that they care to some extent, as much as they can.
I’m afraid to give up on that because of the idea because in the back of my mind it’s blaming me because of my previous experiences. My biological mother couldn’t love me, my second family couldn’t. I am the common denominator. Apart from they all have mental health issues and a history of abuse.
There’s a fear of abandoning them. I support the family members that I am in contact with as they are abused by other family members.
They also expressed a fear of me abandoning them because I left my biological family. I don’t want to hurt them.
I know these are just fears. At the end of the day, pain is a part of their lifestyle and by staying in contact I am subjecting myself to that. Why? Because I love them and want to help. Is that a fair? I can’t save them for themselves, I can’t make them change, they have to want that for themselves.
I also feel indebted because they took me in as a child. I believe I would have likely committed suicide if I had to fend for myself alone during that period.
In some ways I have put them first, because I tolerated the abuse. I have to start protecting myself!
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