Hi Anita, thank you for writing. I’ve lurked on this site for awhile and have consistently seen your name in the comments. I think it’s good of you to spend your time helping people.

But say that person 1 goes quiet, moody, and even grows sad when person 2 doesn’t want the sandwich, person 2 would of course feel pressure to eat the sandwich in the future because they don’t want to make person 1 upset. Person 2 probably has trouble saying they don’t want to eat the sandwich as they care about hurting people’s feelings but person 1 doesn’t know their reactions are causing person 2 to feel bad as they usually end up talking the situation out after awhile of silence.

Not only did I not initiate anything, I made sure to reaffirm to them that they needed to say no to me and that I didn’t want to be with anyone who didn’t consensually want to be with me. We had sex 1-2 times after that initial conversation and it was only initiated by him. We scheduled intimate time and stopped once that time was up regardless of whether or not anyone was finished. They said the aim of sex shouldn’t be orgasm so we focused more on the intimacy of the acts. Eventually though, as our relationship withered, sex and intimacy fell away too.

They broke up with me a week or two after we had a fight on our last day of school. They were very anxious about us spending too much time together as before we had the big talk, they told me us spending as much time together as we had was unsustainable for their mental health. They even said their mental health was getting worse because of me.

They at first spent more time with me because I behaved similarly dejected when they refused or had plans that didn’t involve me. We both agreed we needed to have our own lives outside of one another. I was trying but still struggled with my anxiety and feeling emotionally disconnected from them.

They agreed to drive me home from college and we spent the night in the same room. The next morning I had to try and pack my things into their car and not everything would fit. There was a checkout time with a fine included if I didn’t clear my room in time so I started to shut down from the anxiety. I went into ‘fix-it’ mode and I think this made them feel anxious as it reminded them of times when I’d shut down in the past. I wanted to focus on taking care of my room situation and my ex wanted me to talk it out with them. I couldn’t do both. I went back to my room and had to throw so many things out, including stuff other people had bought me as gifts.

My ex followed me around and burst out crying saying that they were afraid things were going back to the way they were and that I was mad at them and that I was going to break up with them. I stopped what I was doing to reassure them and bring them down from their panic.

I finished throwing my things out and we had a meal together in silence. I got upset with the silence and asked them to just say something. In the car, I told them I ‘could’ve used more support’ and they snapped at me that they could’ve too. We rode back in silence for the most part. We tried to talk it out but at that point, our relationship was too strained.

I felt them pulling away and a week or two later, they broke up with me over the phone. They told me they couldn’t focus on their mental health and fix this relationship. Even talking things out was too much of a strain for them.

Later on, right before I went no contact to focus on my own healing, we had a phone-call in which they described me as ‘manipulative’, ‘toxic’, and ‘smothering’. I reflected on my behavior and apologized.

I had many moments like those with A where something hurtful was said and I convinced myself/or was otherwise convinced I was seeing the situation distortedly. Maybe I was seeing the situation wrong. There’s part of me that feels anger when I consider that maybe I had reasonable feelings that were invalidated. And there’s a part of me that cannot trust my own perceptions, that feels guilty for not taking all of the blame and saying things that make A seem.. not so great.

I felt hurt by what A said, yeah. I felt like I gave something precious away to them and they didn’t care. I felt like they didn’t care about whether or not I was satisfied or if I felt listened to.

I felt resentful of them for talking at me and rarely asking me any questions about myself and for staying with me despite feeling bad being with me (they said ‘*everything* felt bad for them, not just intimacy, but they stayed with me cause they thought I was a great person) and for not seeming to care about whether or not I felt satisfied in our sex-life too.

I remember crying to myself while they were sleeping peacefully on the other side of the bed. And I remember them telling me ‘no’ when I asked if I could take care of myself while they cleaned up in the shower. And even now, I think to myself, maybe I’m just misunderstanding!

I guess I do feel angrier about things than I thought. I don’t feel right feeling angry about things they said and did because I was not a good partner either and again, the way they explained themselves, none of it was intentional.

But maybe it’s important that I do tap into those feelings. There’s a sort of fog around our relationship I keep trying to push through. I know I was very messed up for a long time after the breakup.

The image of all those people including me, condemning me, is a really sad one. I will try to take your advice.