Dear Nichole:

Congratulations for catching up financially!

“I’m overwhelmed. I am burned out…I feel so alone again. Last night I made a decision to email my ex. I simply asked if he would like to have dinner and that I needed a hug so tight” – nothing like a tight hug to calm down the overwhelm factor and to take away the so-alone feeling, if only for a moment.

“He replied that he would love to do so and would be completely ok with holding me as long I needed but that he had to be upfront that he was in a relationship” – this means that his hug cannot take away the so-alone feeling for more than a moment or two.

“We emailed back and forth a bit more and just thinking about him holding me makes my body calm and my heart warm” – the imagined hug was good enough, or perhaps it was the anticipation of a hug that calmed you (?)

“I’m so tired of being alone. And every time I try to do something in connection it backfires” – you want honest, loving human connection, but you had experienced so much hurt and anger in the context of family connections, that what you want also scares you. And when you get some of it (a beginning connection or a resumed connection), you get to re-experience the old hurt and anger.

“Could there be any good come from this? I don’t trust my recent decision making” – I think that it is not a good idea to meet him in-person because it will trigger the old hurt and anger that you experienced with him (and before him, in the context of family connections). At work, “People intentionally triggering people all day long like a zoo!“, you wrote, you don’t want to be triggered after work by getting together with your ex, do you?

If he was single, then maybe it could work to your benefit to meet him, but him being in a relationship, I don’t think that you can possibly be okay with it. I think that the comfort of a tight hug can last only so long before the hurt and anger get triggered.

You shared earlier that ever since your ex, if I remember correctly, you’ve been single… so no dates, no hugs, no nothing with any guy for how long?

anita