Dear G:

You shared that your first boyfriend was engaged to another woman during your relationship with him. You met your second boyfriend during a winter break from school. You told him how the first boyfriend hurt you, and he told you that he will never hurt you. After the winter break, you traveled back to school and the relationship became long-distance. Over time, the communication lessened and then it ended. A month after that, a third man, a military man who got stationed far away, swept you off your feet “without ever meeting him“.

“I had trust issues. He made it aware to me that I needed to work on them, and I tried my hardest… Then one day he decided to post something that I took to be offensive… I was heated at the moment and jumped to conclusions… I thought we were going to move on… Shortly after he told me he didn’t want to do this anymore because I always brought up the sore subject… I begged and pleaded for him to talk to me about it and work on this sore subject… He instead told me he couldn’t be with someone who needs constant reassurance. I had told him about my history and how hurt I was. I thought he would be a little more understanding of where I’m coming from…. I begged and pleaded to give me another chance and he simply said no. I’ve been devasted for the past days…. when will this pattern end for me of not finding a loving relationship?” –

– Here are my thoughts and suggestions: (1) Seems like on one hand you distrusted the 2nd and 3rd men, but only after trusting them too much and too quickly. You told the 2nd man how the 1st man hurt you, he said that he will never hurt you and you trusted him to… never hurt you. You trusted him too soon after meeting him, you didn’t know him well enough to trust him. It is too easy to say: I will never hurt you. It takes only a few seconds to say it.

It is not wise for a woman to trust that a man she met only a short time before, will actually practice these five words in real life and for a lifetime. Take the time needed to get to know a man before trusting him.

(2) “I begged and pleaded for him to talk to me… I begged and pleaded to give me another chance” – no more begging and pleading in the context of a relationship!

I suppose that in another context, such as a person pointing a weapon at me, I might beg and plead, but not in the context of a relationship where my very life is not in danger. When you beg and plead with a man to talk with you, you present yourself as… a beggar, a lowly person appealing to the pity of a superior. Even if he feels pity for you and resumes communication, it would be based on pity, not on love and respect.

(3) “I was heated at the moment and jumped to conclusions… I always brought up the sore subject… I had told him about my history and how hurt I was. I thought he would be a little more understanding of where I’m coming from” – if you were offensive to him when you felt heated (yelling at him, or maybe throwing invalid accusations at him), and if you repeatedly brought up a subject that was painful for him to talk about, then all your history and how hurt you were before you met him, makes no difference to his experience.

When person X causes pain to person Y, person Y feels the same pain regardless of person’s X’s history.

I hope to read your thoughts regarding my reply, so that I can communicate with you further, and I hope that you will feel better very soon!

anita