Dear Anita,

I am again thinking too much about my girlfriend’s well-being…I tried to do various things but it has been 2 weeks since she said that ‘we should take a break’.

What hurts me the most is that she said ‘I don’t know how long it will take me to be Ok again‘ and ‘You don’t have to wait for me. I don’t want you to be stuck here with me’.

However, what makes me happy is that she said ‘Let’s give us a chance when we’re in Australia.’

Allow me to express what I know and how I feel about her in detail. I spent almost 2 days writing everything down in my diary. I started writing a diary as I think this relationship is worth fighting for and I want to note down everything to be able to help her.

WHAT I KNOW ABOUT MY GF FROM WHAT SHE TOLD ME: 

HER CHILDHOOD:

• Her dad was very strict about her studying. He wanted her to study in the best school so he tried a lot to support her. She had to push herself a lot to satisfy her parents. One time, she failed and her dad was very upset with her.
• Even when she’s now a grown person, she and her dad still argue sometimes and she cries

HER ADULTHOOD:

• She once suffered from depression and overcame it (IDK if she did it with the help of a specialist).
• HER FIRST LOVE: she was in love with that guy very much. He was a good guy and I have respect for him. But perhaps, he didn’t really understand when she needed time to acquire her personal goals. They ended up breaking up as he thought she grew cold. (this part I only describe as much as I remember- I avoided bringing up her past because I was worried she would be stressed/sad again.)

• HER SECOND LOVE (TOXIC): He physically abused her when they argued. That gives me heartache whenever it appears in my mind. She and this toxic boyfriend invested. He urged her to ask her parents to wire him money against her will. They had an argument and he hurt her physically. He lost her money and did never return her. Now she had to make up for that financial loss with her own savings. This amount of money was originally saved for her CFA test.

• HER THIRD RELATIONSHIP (TOXIC):

 this toxic girlfriend trapped her & played with my GF’s heart. She was also mentally abusive as she would make my GF sad. She was also very dictating when she forced my GF to do her job for her even though my GF was in a relationship with me and my GF was really busy. I told my GF to refuse to help her because it’s not my GF’s job to please that horrible person (I didn’t force her but I calmly explained to my GF why she should not communicate with this toxic person anymore).

My girlfriend had a trip to a province in Vietnam and it happens to be the toxic person’s hometown. That toxic person asked my GF to come to stay at her house but then soon after, would leave my GF all alone while she was out having fun. She even yelled at my GF for spoiling a bedsheet. My GF was on her period at that time and it came suddenly so she was not well prepared. I talked to her on the phone and asked her to come home to me. I picked her up at the bus station.

Recently, after the farewell party with this toxic ex-girlfriend (they used to be co-workers), my girlfriend suddenly experienced all the bad memories from this 3rd relationship coming back to her mind.

• HER FOURTH RELATIONSHIP (ME): 

We met on Tinder. At the time she still seemed to be in her 3rd toxic relationship. One time, as we were talking, she told me she was drunk at a bar and I told her to come home safely. I thought she was just another person that I was gonna have a short chat with on Tinder. I was worried for her safety (I didn’t know why).

After picking her up from the bus station, I started to spend time comforting her and making her smile. When I noticed that I was head over heels for this girl, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She asked me if I could wait for her to heal as she just walked out of one toxic relationship (the 3rd one). I said YES, I COULD. I was falling for her so much that I would not do anything reckless to scare her away.

Then soon after, on one date night, I somehow felt a strong love for her and asked her to be my GF again. This time, fortunately, she said YES. I was very happy and we had a great period of time together. I would do anything to make her feel like a queen, make it up for her losses in the past toxic relationships. She was my priority. I once canceled a meeting with my Korean partner just to take her to see the doctor. My GF suffers from essential tremor. She has had this since childhood but it got worse over time (I strongly believe that the stress causes this medical condition to get worse over the years).

We were a happy couple until the following incidents occurred:

1. Her dad’s company dissolved and he was the only bread owner in her family. He’s now retired. She works, too. However, her dad made the most money. Her family’s financial situation is good at the time this happened as every basic need was provided without difficulties. I never asked her about this coz I think it was something rather personal.
2. Her second toxic ex refused to return the money that he lost because of his bad investment decision. My GF then had to compensate with her savings (as I mentioned above)
3. That farewell with her third toxic ex brought back all the bad memories (she later shared that with me in our last talk)
4. Stress from the CFA study: she loves studying. She’s willing to do whatever it takes to pass the CFA exam as she has been investing a lot of time, energy & money into this. I researched a little about this CFA level 2 test, everyone thinks that this is one tough exam. When I told her that failing is okay and to keep her own health in good condition, she said she would choose this CFA test over anything.
5. Stress from work: too much workload with such little time made my GF under a lot of pressure. I told her to work but rest, too. She, again, cannot refuse the job given even though her boss is ridiculously dictating and highly demanding.

I think all these incidents contributed largely to her personal emotional change. I cannot blame her for being ambitious and a workaholic. Maybe that’s how she grew up thinking that failing or letting go is not an option.

I now realize that her starting a new relationship after she had just walked out of a toxic one was not good. I should have been more patient and now is the time I learn how to be patient and fight for what I believe is love.

I fear that when she’s okay again, I won’t be the person by her side to share that happiness with her. Despite that, I hope she will be okay soon. I know I have done my best to be her good BF.

I was once like her but I was never in any toxic relationships. My exes were great. We just had different life goals and problems back then & I didn’t fight for our relationships…..So personally, this may be my karma in case we won’t be together in the future.