Dear anita,

Today i woke up, and idk why suddenly i felt like i get a slap from reality… that i need to finally have some acceptance to let go of that girl, and this heartbreak is part of life.

These past few days i’ve been waking up in the middle of the night due to overthinking about that girl, like 3-4 times… and it’s making my body less fit than normal. I feel that it’s bad for my health.

a leader in one own’s life does not wait for another person, at least, not for long. A leader doesn’t stand behind anyone, waiting for the person in front to make the first move. A leader is in the front, making first moves.

These few sentences you sent me, also play a part on making me realize… that i’ve been trying to accustomed my life into following hers… whereas a person who wants to lead their own life shouldn’t do that.
I think it’s due to me feeling that myself isnt worth that much, i’m a person with less quality…. And she’s the closest person to ever love me than anyone…. I did everything for her, i tried everything but still it didn’t work out….

I even prayed at a temple so i can be together with her, i asked my closest friends for tips, i really really did everything.

I keep having deep talks with myself, and i guess i saw her as a person more worthy, more better in appearance, more qualities than me…. And when she tells me that she has feelings for me… i suddenly feel good for myself… that’s why i never hesitate to go all out for her….

I never met her in person for the past 4 years, sometimes i’m confused why i desperately want someone i never met for that long, idk whether this is love, lust, or an obsession…

but what i know is that she has an appearance of my type…. And im obsessed with that, i dont want other people to have her.

Also this girl doesn’t really have any specific hobby or whatsoever, that’s why i feel like she’s an easier target than other girls that i find having good qualities…. Because i feel that i’m good for nothing…. I tried drawing i cant, i tried badminton i cant, i was never really good at something… Due to that “easy” trait, i feel that it’s better to go all out for her instead of forcing myself to improve because i know with all my capabilities i cant be really good at anything…. But tbh with all my qualities right now… it’s really really hard for me to get a girl that i want…. nonetheless i’ll still try my best.

I think it’s also my fault because before that separation, with my “calculations” i feel that if i keep texting her will have a better probability than me improving myself to be a charming guy… shockingly she really has feelings for me (at least that’s what she said that time)…. But circumstance says otherwise.

As you said in the previous thread, i’m too isolated, lack of social support… yes that’s absolutely true, but i really cant help with the situation im in… because the reality is that, i’ve been given this kind of situation… But still day by day i’m developing a stronger heart, so i can bear with the pain of this world….

My motto right now is that i’ll aim for a better tomorrow…  Although it seems that i keep having gloomy thoughts everyday, but i also feel that i keep getting improvements day by day….