Dear canary,

Sorry for the late reply, I am on holidays and not really near the computer often. Thank you for your kind words and I am glad that what I’ve said has helped you.

This is so kind and this acceptance makes me feel a bit better. This makes me feel like I have a choice going forward and don’t need to explain to my parents anymore.

Good to hear this!

All I know is that whenever she would lash out at me, I would feel so alone and unlovable because I feel like if my own parents can’t handle me then no one in the world can or even wants to.

I understand where you’re coming from, because ideally the parents of all people should have the greatest understanding for us. But unfortunately that’s not true for so many people, myself included. My mother for example doesn’t believe me when I complain about some health problems that I have. She thinks I am inventing it and exaggerating. I’ve learned not to expect empathy from her any more – neither from her nor my father. It’s a bit sad, but I can’t do much about it. I get empathy from other people and I give it to myself, so I am not depending on my parents emotionally any more.

I really like that last phrase, “I am allowed to feel anxious. I am lovable and worthy, even if I feel anxious.” Because I believe this is true for everyone. I am easily able to tell an anxious friend how lovable they are but I don’t tell myself that. I think I get so caught up in the physical sensations in my body that I can’t think rationally. All I can feel is fear in those moments.

It’s a traumatic  reaction, the flight-fight-or freeze response, which takes place in our limbic brain. It takes over and switches off our rational mind. To alleviate it, it helps to practice anti-stress techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing or do grounding exercises. You can look up “Barbara Heffernan anxiety” on youtube and you’ll find plenty of tools and techniques to help you deal with the fear response.

I don’t know if I will get along with the therapist, I don’t know if I can trust them and open up because I am afraid of them being dismissive (I know therapists won’t do this but still have the fear!), I don’t know if it will be helpful, and part of me feels guilty for even seeking support in the first place.

This is exactly how you are feeling whenever you approach your mother, seeking help: you are afraid to open up because she might lash out and dismiss your problems as not a big deal, you’re not sure it will be helpful (because often times it isn’t!), and you feel guilty seeking help because she is a busy mother and you feel like a burden.

So one reason you feel discouraged to seek professional help is that you are projecting your experience with your mother into counselors and other help professionals who unlike your mother might actually help you. Another reason is that you did have some bad experiences with counselors in the past and you’re afraid it would be the same again:

I feel discouraged sometimes when I look at all the times in my past when I’ve reached out for help. I think the best help I’ve received was when I was 15 from my school counsellor. She was easy to talk to and I could trust her and relate to her, it’s just that we couldn’t talk as often because she had other students. Then after that all the other counsellors I’ve had I couldn’t get along with because they either never understood me or were dismissive. It feels like every time I opened up to someone they misunderstood me or invalidated my feelings. I think my first counsellor understood me because she would listen to everything I said and respond to it, whereas when I would share my story or thoughts with other counsellors they would only respond to the general problem. This made me feel like they are just listening to my general problem and sharing as many solutions as they can, instead of empathizing and really understanding then sharing support best fit for me.

The only counselor who truly helped you was when you were 15 yrs old. You could trust her and open up to her because she would listen to everything you said and then respond to your specific problem and not give you some general advice. You felt seen and understood with that counselor, unlike with your mother and other counselors you went to.

This is very important – that you did have a good experience with at least one counselor, and she did help you. So it is possible and you’ve experienced it. Now you would need to look for a proper counselor – one that is attentive and listens to you and your specific problems, and gives support that fits you. There are many quality therapists out there, so be open to the possibility that you’ll find one, just like you’ve found them when you were 15 years old. Trust that you can find the kind of support you need, by someone who sees and understand you.  So instead of telling yourself “no one can help me”, tell yourself “I can find appropriate help”.

Also, try to change your attitude from “I am a burden and undeserving” to “I am worthy of love. I am worthy of help and support. I am a gift, not a burden.”

I am grateful for everyone that has supported me this far, whether or not they are even in my life. Such as old friends, family, and strangers. I have met people that have understood me and listened to what I had to say. This makes me feel validated.

It’s great that you’ve had people in your life that saw you and understood you. “This makes me feel validated”. –  I’d say this made you feel validated to a certain extent. Because your core belief is still that you are unworthy of love and undeserving of help – wouldn’t you say? That’s because the core beliefs are imprinted in us in childhood, based on the experience with our parents, and even if we get a different, affirmative experience later in life (e.g. you being seen and understood by a number of people), we still operate from the same old core belief. That’s why you feel undeserving of seeking help now.

But now you at least know that this core belief is not true. You can tell yourself “I am a gift, not a burden”, to dispel the old programming. This will help you seek a quality therapist, and persist until you find one, without quitting! It will also break the spell of never finding the help you need and then giving up.

Thank you Tee for the help, I feel a little less afraid because I am reminded that there are such kind people in this world that want nothing but the best for you!

You are very welcome, canary. I am happy you feel less afraid and also that I could help!