Hi Tee,

I meant stable for the current situation that was ever since we mended things. All the things that concerned us, we had made a list and had actively worked on those and we were honest with each other in terms of telling exactly how we felt… Even if there was fear or nervousness. We conveyed that. So yeah I wrote that for him only because things were stable for now and we kept discussing if we were on the same page. Till suddenly he fulfilled his dream to move to another country… No matter how short that duration was.

If you do read the next post, you will understand what I feel now. There is hurt in me currently but I am at peace somehow. I know that I tried and I did give the relationship the one chance it deserved. At least in person. So now I took care of all romantic feelings and I still am happy as the feeling of love makes me positive but I have focused all that love towards myself. It’s not something new… Even when I gave him chance… I shared half of myself unlike the crazy unstable oversharing which I always did. I demanded and received the same attention I gave him and if I received anything less, I gave the same amount back. So it was easier to focus that half of my attention back to myself. I think I have understood know how a healthy relationship works. But if you still feel I need some more work, do suggest. I have been on a fitness journey and a reading journey since this month. I was facing difficulties climbing stairs and that was a shocker for me. I had never been this unfit in life so I started changing my lifestyle. I eat lot less junk, I cook for myself mostly. And even those dishes are healthier versions of actual dishes. I workout, I read, I give time and energy on self care in terms of my face and my style as well.

The sudden news did throw me off a little but I think it was the final straw because I felt that we both knew how much we have worked and fought for what we have right now. But it is fine. I haven’t given up on the feeling of love because the fact that I am changing to a healthier perspective of love means I am healing my inner child in a way and it makes me happy to even think of that little girl. I have spent a lot of time in life thinking of how things happened and how they impacted me to be who I am today and I did not like myself for pretty obvious reasons… My parents were not comfortable keeping me with them because of my granddaughter. For not knowing for a long time who my mother was… I thought it was my maternal grandmother, blaming myself for sudden loss of my maternal grandfather (suicide), comparison with my sister, getting all hand me downs and being without friends so that my sister did not have issues within her group of friends. I felt I faced a lot… But in reality… I am privileged, very privileged. Unlike the boyfriend I never had to worry about money lenders, I did not see my parents struggle… My parents had invested early on and luckily a lot of shares they invested in made them good profits, suddenly after I was born. It made them believe I was their lucky charm. All the lucky draws and contests were filled in my name and they won them too.. Strengthening their belief… Thus making them love me.

So in all this, my need for love grew very strong but I wasn’t loving myself… Because of which I wanted it from others.

I actually worked on myself in the past one year, I worked on myself even when we got together and I am still working on myself.

Life will never be easy but I have learnt that till I am my best friend… Everything else will be alright. I think I overwrote again but this is how I have always been… I love long chats and writing long passages. Also I started working on a new novel this month onwards and I have been so excited ever since. Because this time it is a genuine story, a story not very far from reality and a story which people can believe in and draw hope from.

Toodles.