Dear SantaFe:

I read your most recent post and the few you posted since February 2017. You shared or suggested that your parents valued your siblings more than they valued you, and as a result, you felt like “the spare child“, very hurt and angry, believing that you are inadequate, incapable and stupid, inferior and hateworthy:

“I’ve had this extremely negative view of myself, that I don’t deserve (an interview). I am extremely bad at putting my thoughts into words, I’ll fumble, I’ll fall short of words, I’ll take huge pauses, stupid words will come out of my mouth, and there’s no delete button on those“,

“It is an elite school, and I’m such an average student, average person, everyone who studies there has a stellar background, exudes confidence, and then there’s me.. still a loser… talentless, nervous, and an idiot. Don’t know  what I’ll amount to ever in my life. Can’t stop hating myself” (Feb 2017, age 27)

“I am still a loser… Idk how to explain this without sounding extremely stupid… I feel like throwing a tantrum and cutting off this relationship as well. Like, ‘oh you value them more? Go have that relationship then. Bye… Somehow this brought me back to my old unmanaged self, it often so happens when I’m back home” (July 31, 2022, age 32).

My thoughts and quotes: no wonder you are back to your old-unmanaged self when you are back  to your home: it is your home (your parents) that created the unmanaged self. It is the old home that placed you in the “spare child” lifetime mental slot: the “extremely bad at..”, who takes “Huge pauses”, “a loser… an idiot… extremely stupid”, indeed an “extremely negative view” of yourself.

“I feel like I have this toxic urge to make A feel guilty for their actions and also make them realise and accept why they were wrong” – you wrote this at 32 about a friend, but isn’t this what you feel in regard to your parents when you are back home: to make them feel guilty for their actions, to make them realize and accept that they wronged you, and in what ways they wronged you?

I mean, it is very difficult to watch your parents being ignorant about how terribly they hurt you, isn’t it?

anita