@anita

Thanks anita,

I am back from my trip. I decided that I am going to find a therapist in my area. Sometimes it’s nice being able to just talk to someone and I think that is what I’m lacking in life. I’ve never had anyone close enough to feel comfortable sharing how I feel. My whole life, I feel as though I’ve isolated myself from the world. That I’ve been alone for all these years and every interaction that I’ve exchanged with anyone is ingenuine or just doesn’t feel authentic. It feels like I’m a separate entity, co-existing with everything around me.

I understand that I’ve got some deep trauma from my childhood. I suffered greatly and when I became independent I continued to suffer because the pain has burrowed so deep into my soul. I’ve always found solace in vices that only caused harm to me, mostly alcohol and tobacco. In fact, I’ve gone through many bouts of alcoholism and self destructive behavior that caused implications in my relationships and life in general. To only be pushing everyone away and reinforcing my isolation.

To me, I find my life to be a great deal of suffering, for every approach I make to find meaning in it, there is a cynic in me. I always hear his voice in my head, convincing me that the only thing this world has to offer is the inevitable continuing of pain and loneliness. Silently, I’ve been living in my own hell. And so many times I dream to end it all. But it seems as though there’s always a glimmer of hope somewhere that keeps me from committing to such a permanent end.

It is hard, and all I want is for it to end. But I feel so lost and alone. I don’t know where to start. It’s like some supernatural power such as a dark cloud is hanging about my head. Or a disease that plagues my mind. I can only dream for a cure, but I do feel hopeless. That maybe this is who I am now. That the monsters I’ve been fighting my whole life are who I’ve now become.

One thing is for certain, it will come to an end. But whether it’s by one day, finally breaking myself free from these chains, or dying here, alone in this dungeon. I just hope that it isn’t the latter.