Dear anita,

I think that I understand: you hate that you were born into this family, having this body, and never having had any CHOICE in these matters. How can it possibly be fair to be STUCK in what you NEVER CHOSE!?! (I feel angry typing this!).

You’ve been so lonely in your family and you’ve been suffering so much emotional pain because of the appearance of your body, and yet, you had no CHOICE on the matter. It really is unfair!

The GAP between the lonely family that you have, and the affectionate, interactive family that you needed for so long  (and never had) is HUGE. And… there is nothing you can do about it: you can’t change your family history (what happened) and you can’t change your parents’ personalities.

= Yes i’ve been suffering from all these matters, and i have no one to blame…. That’s why i keep getting mad and try to hit myself if i expose these weaknesses to people…. Because i dont want them to look at me as an inferior person.

I keep getting mad at myself if i failed to conceal my height or failed to hide my family situations…. I want to them to label me as an average person that’s not inferior to them….

I know most people would say that i shouldnt feel that way, but i cant change how they think…. Generally people would label a short person, messy family situations, lesser financial status, etc as more inferior to them…. And it’s a fact…

Most of my parents’ friends gave me that kind of look (that judging look) when my parents told me im their child…. And it hurts…. I know they must’ve judge my height…. I always get these kind of first impressions, and i hate it… it’s not my fault….

I told my parents that im not confident in chasing girls because of my height, but they keep telling me that it’s okay….

They said that because they didnt experience being me…. They didnt feel how most people give that kind of first impressions to me….

If you had interesting and/ or affectionate interactions with people, you’d get to hear yourself talk out loud to other people- that will you feelalive- a very different from the lifeless experience of thinking and thinking… and thinking aka overthinking.

= Yes this is totally true, i always feel happy if all my surroundings are people that i know (i can talk to them casually) and i didnt have to talk much to them, but all of them keep talking to each other…. Idk why i just felt a warm vibe in those situations…

personally, I think that you are interesting enough just as you are. Your thoughts are interesting, your feelings are interesting, your life story is interesting.

= You really think so? Personally i still feel like im a boring person…. added up with my weak communication skills, insecurities and social anxiety makes it even worse…. But i tried to make myself less boring….

At least i do gym now, but i still cant do other fun activities that most boys do like badminton, golf…. And i’m a person who tends to give up easily if it gets hard….

Although i only do gym now, deep down i feel so happy that i found a character in myself…. Something that i do like most average people do, And im hoping to find more….

Tbh few days ago when my maid in my house was sick, i have to help with washing the plates and etc…. I never done that before, i even feel useful when i did that… like i gain an ability which might be useful when i have my own family… i could help my wife….