Dear Stargazer:

It occurred to me this morning that to solve your dilemma (to tell or to not tell your boyfriend about the almost-cheating-event aka ache),  it is relevant to know not only about you (how you think, feel and behave), but also about your boyfriend (how he thinks, feels and behaves), and about the nature of the relationship itself.

So far, you described your relationship as having been perfect prior to the ache: “my relationship was so perfect before this, I literally felt on top of the world “, Aug 11, and “I really feel like I’ve ruined our perfect relationship“, today, Aug 25.

When I asked you before about the nature of your relationship, you answered: “our relationship is great, he’s very respectful, kind, and loving. I never feel like anything is missing with us… I’m insanely happy with him“-here and elsewhere in your threads, you described the relationship and your boyfriend in very positive but very vague, general terms, nothing specific or concrete: no account of anything he ever said to you, no account of any specific behavior on his part, no account of any event that the two of you had together.

You mentioned that the relationship had “ups and downs like any couple“, that the two of you see each other almost every day, tell each other almost everything that is important. love each other, want to spend the rest of your lives together…  yet… no detail of a single thing that you and him ever talked about..

About your boyfriend you shared that he is 27, his friends are getting engaged and having children, he’s been in a relationship with you for 8 years (or 3 or 4 years, in previous threads), he had a lot of experience with women before and that he has slept with quite a few people before his relationship with you.

On Aug 15, you shared that at the beginning of the relationship, when he was a teenager, he got into “a lot of legal trouble” and lied to you about it. A day later, Aug 16, when I asked you about his legal trouble, you downgraded it to “it wasn’t serious, just a teenage mistake“.

You ended your most recent post with: “I feel like I don’t deserve the support from him after what I’ve done to him. I really feel like I’ve ruined our perfect relationship.  I’m scared of I tell him I’ll really ruin what we have“- but what is it that you have with him? What’s inside the so perfect, great, very respectful, kind, and loving, insanely happy, on top of the world general characterization of the relationship?

If you share a bit, just a bit, about who your boyfriend is, how he thinks, what he believes in, what he values, what motivates him, what kinds of things he talks to you about.. any specifics, anything that is concrete (not vague), it will help me understand better and suggest what is best- in my better understanding- for you to do so to solve your painful dilemma.

anita