Dear Quala:

Seems to me that your relationship is serious, being that it’s five years and counting and that his family and yours met each other multiple times. My guess (and it’s only a guess), from what you shared, is that your boyfriend’s parents like you, just like your boyfriend’s brother said. The making-fun comment that his father made about your big eyes and thinness is unfortunate: it is wrong and rude to make fun of anyone for any reason, but it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like you. It may be that he is just.. rude and that he enjoys making fun of people, not thinking- or caring-  about hurting another person’s feeling.

“my father doesn’t like my boyfriend’s father because he believes that he is arrogant“- maybe your boyfriend’s father is rude and arrogant.

Do you think that your boyfriend told you about the comment that his father made (about your look and suggestion that he finds another woman) because he thought that it was a funny comment, a joke, or was he trying to hurt your feelings? Does your boyfriend ever say things that indicate that he is fun of you for any reason?

“There was also a time when I saw on her mom’s FB post that she recommended my boyfriend to her friend’s daughter who is more beautiful than me… his mom also gives me gifts“-  I imagine that she gives you gifts because she likes you. it was insensitive on her part to make the FB comment,  but again, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you. It may mean that she was having fun with her friend on FB, joking,  and wasn’t thinking about you reading the comment.

I am guessing that she didn’t post to her friend that her daughter is more beautiful than you, that this is something that you thought, right?

“Sometimes, I hide because I feel they really don’t like me and I’m ashamed of my appearance and our tiny house… when it was my boyfriend’s birthday, I went but I felt that his aunt and even his grandmother didn’t like me because I saw and felt that they are not happy with me”-

I boldfaced feel- felt because when you feel something, it does not mean that what you feel is necessarily true. There is a term called Emotional Reasoning: it refers to people who experience an emotion (they feel something) and reason that the emotion indicates reality, all without real evidence.

You felt ashamed of your appearance at times before you ever met your boyfriend and his family, am I right? If so,  when you meet people who are important to you (like your boyfriend’s family members), you are inclined to worry about what they think of your physical appearance, and interpret their facial expressions and words to mean that they indeed think poorly about your physical appearance when it is not true.

Let’s say that during your  boyfriend’s birthday his aunt had indigestion and she therefore felt physically uncomfortable. She looked your way while uncomfortable, not thinking about you at all. You noticed the discomfort in her face and thought to yourself something like: she must be thinking poorly of my appearance! – this is one example of emotional reasoning.

Same thing about your tiny house: let’s say his parents visit you in your house and his mother says what a cute little house, and she means just what she said. But because you are already ashamed of your tiny house, you think something like: she doesn’t mean what she just said, she is making fun of our tiny house!- this is another example of emotional reasoning.

I hope to read back from you and communicate with you a little further.

anita