More to add:

Studies show that transgender people are 15% more likely to develop eating disorders like anorexia or restrictive eating because of trauma from not being valued as their gender identity (eating disorders hope). Many transgender people develop eating disorders as unhealthy coping mechanisms as a way to control how their bodies look. Transmales might limit food intake, steadily avoiding certain foods until it becomes very restrictive and they become anorexic as they try to look more masculine whereas transfemales might eat more trying to look more feminine. Sometimes labeling the anxiety as gender dysphoria makes it more prominent and it’s often very difficult to cope with the feeling of not belonging in one’s body. The discomfort may be quite intense that labeling it just makes it worse. But having a label can be helpful because it allows people to better understand where to look for resources to help. People can identify as transgender at any age and some people might realize it at younger stages than others based on what access to information about gender knowledge they have. For some people who are questioning their gender identity, many gender therapists tell the person to work out internal trauma first so they have a better sense of self because internalized trauma can have negative effects on people’s health. Once people work through shadow work and heal with therapy, lgbtq support groups, reiki, yoga, or other things they start to reevaluate things. then the gender therapist talks about how they feel if they are more comfortable as another gender than the sex they were born as. Transgender people will often say they feel more comfortable as the opposite gender from their biological sex. The gender therapist might ask the person to join local trans groups and meet other trans people to hear their experiences and better understand things. The gender therapist might ask the person to present as their gender identity in a safe space over time like a year to see how they feel. In my case, I was very happy using he/him pronouns for a year at stockton university and being a guy while helping out at the farm. I learned a lot about toxic masculinity and how people sometimes fall into the trap and learned that men can be creative, they don’t have to be strong or muscular, they don’t have to look like a bodybuilder and they can be compassionate. My lgbtq friends at stockton university have been looking on gc2b a place that sells transgender binders to help bind the chest. The gc2b binders are designed for trans people and are good quality. They sometimes give free raffles for binders and they last quite long and are quite comfortable. Trans tape binds the chest too and is often used by transmales when going outside like swimming where a binder can be restrictive. Some trans tape varieties are much better than others but there’s always the potential of the trans tape getting stuck on skin so many trans people recommend using baby oil to help loosen the tape and then letting it dry to reuse. Most trans tapes can only be used for a week before they start fraying and need to be thrown out. Binders tend to last longer but the nylon for binding along with the cotton layer sometimes traps heat so it can be quite hot in summer months which is why “binder breaks” are recommended to let skin cool. Trans tape is more breathable and can be used during workouts but it’s advisable to remove binders when working out because sometimes  the binder will stretch and not bind as well.

Many doctors will prescribe puberty blockers for people under 18 who feel like they don’t identify with the gender of their birth sex. Puberty blockers stop the onset of puberty so that the person won’t develop secondary sex characteristics like that of breasts for females or have facial hair like males. The effects aren’t permanent and they allow the person to grow up, learn more about things before making decisions.

Testosterone will make a person’s voice deeper. The average make has 70mg of testosterone so when transmales decide to go on testosterone they do bloodwork to determine how much testosterone they need and that will be safe for them because excess testosterone can sometimes be converted to estrogen. Likewise, transmales will be more likely to have temperature fluctuations because of more blood cells and more likelihood of building muscle mass so they might feel hotter especially in the summer months. With careful moderation of testosterone there won’t be much of risks for heart attacks or strokes, also eating a balanced diet helps. Testosterone might make a person feel hungrier so it’s important to plan meals ahead of time because if cooking while hungry then people eat more leading to more belly fat. Some changes that are permanent include infertility and vaginal dryness because the testosterone interferes with the ovaries ability to produce estrogen. Some doctors ask transmales if they want to preserve their eggs before going on testosterone because they won’t be able to have kids after about six weeks on testosterone. But freezing their eggs can give transmales more gender dysphoria because they have to take more estrogen to allow their bodies to release the eggs to be collected and since most transmales don’t really plan to have kids they don’t go with this option. Furthermore, testosterone does boost energy and libido which can make a person happier but it won’t have deep side effects like change your personality so much. For example a shy person might feel more upbeat at meeting new people but they won’t automatically become an extrovert. And testosterone has been shown to cause mood swings which is why gender therapists often have transmales check in every now and then to check things. However, most of the time transmales are happy when they start testosterone because it makes them feel like they are starting to have their bodies match their gender identity. Most transmales starting testosterone will experience a boost in self-esteem because they feel better about themselves.

I feel that you are a gender-nonconformist. Since you don’t hate being female but you enjoy being with the guys more than the females. I feel that everyone has a degree of gender polarity since gender is a spectrum and people tend to have different views sometimes leaning more towards one gender than the other.

Sadly my mom wasn’t really appreciated by her grandmother because she was born in fuzhou, china in the 1960s and they valued men more.

The lgbtq community isn’t really talked about much in asian cultures but it exists. mulan has been a great inspiration for the trans community and there are some stories believing mulan might be transgender. My parents haven’t been the best teachers, often getting impatient with not learning things the first time. They aren’t very emotionally supportive probably because in asian cultures mental health isn’t really talked about as much, it’s still quite has a stigma. Which is why there are often repressed feelings in asian families that carry on to their children and they carry the hurt. My gender therapist gave me a book titled “healing the shame that binds you” and it talks about how shame can be passed down and entrenched in generations of family members and how children can work on healing and breaking the cycle. I love to learn about reiki, meditation and enjoying nature, medicinal plants and feel like i’m working on healing things. I’ve let go of some of the shame from being hurt and things and forgave myself. In my trauma making not the best of decisions, repressing emotions, dissociating from the world not really acknowledging emotions because i was taught to repress them and now healing uncovering things.

Hugs Anita. Thanks for all your insights