Hi Tee, thank you for your comments. I’ve spent some time answering your questions below.

I would imagine that as a people pleaser, you weren’t actually easy-going, but that you pretended that you were happy to accommodate them and do whatever they asked of you, even if it went against your wishes. So you might have worn a mask of “kindness”, saying things like “sure, no problem, I’ll do it”, but underneath you felt miserable and probably resentful too?

Yeah, it was the way my mother acted around everyone and I learned from a young age that this was how you got people to love you and treat you well. I think I believed that kindness from other people had to be earned and that it wasn’t something that I was just automatically worthy of. It was only when I entered the workplace and was working full-time that I recognised that other people didn’t behave the same way, and I started to see see how much it was limiting me. It was a shock to find that people actually respected me less for being a doormat. I don’t think I’d ever fully allowed myself to even feel anger until I was in my late twenties. I had been miserable and resentful for many years but I’d suppressed these emotions so much that I had never even known it until I started to stand up to my father as an adult.

If I am counting right, you started taking anti-depressants about 14 years ago (one year into your relationship with your husband), and you have been taking them for 12 years. In the last couple of years you have been weening off anti-depressants. This has caused problems in your marriage, since you couldn’t feel anything for anyone, including your husband. You also had heightened anxiety. You now can feel again and the communication with your husband has improved in the last 3-4 months.

You haven’t told your husband that you were weening off anti-depressants, which you now see as a big mistake because it would have explained your poor behavior. Does your husband now know that you’re no longer taking anti-depressants? Does he support you in that decision?

I think that timeline is about right, yes. The lack of feeling was chronic and such an odd thing, because logically I knew that I loved him and couldn’t imagine wanting to be with anyone else, but my emotions were so flat. I never really made a big thing about taking anti-depressants in the first place, so I don’t think he’s aware that I no longer take them. I think generally he trusts me to do what’s right for me and would be supportive of it. I think I didn’t tell him a couple of years ago that I was weaning off them because I knew that it was potentially going to be a bumpy ride for a while in terms of side-effects but I’d hoped that it wouldn’t last as long as it did.

You still cry when thinking about your mother, even if she died 20 years ago. This tells me that the wound is still raw. I think it’s because a part of you (the child and teenager that you were) still feels helpless and horrified at the thought of living without your mother’s protection, alone with your father, in an environment full of hatred and cruelty. A part of you is still stuck in the past, and this is probably the part that needs healing the most.

It’s great that in the last couple of years, you are learning about trauma and getting better at self-care. And that you’ve made more progress in those 2 years than in the 12 years of being on anti-depressants. Are you attending therapy? Because I would assume that if one wants to ween off anti-depressants, one would need therapy to support that process…

It’s very raw still, yes. As a teenager I didn’t have a safe place to express my emotions after she passed and for years after I suppressed a lot of emotion, so there’s a lot there to process. I made sure that I was confident enough in my coping skills before I stopped taking anti-depressants (yoga, meditation, journalling, etc.) but I hadn’t been prepared for how intense the emotions would be. Therapy is something I’m aware that I’m very much in need of, but unfortunately it’s too expensive for me right now. I think the relational aspect of it would be really healing for me and it’s definitely something I’m working towards doing, hopefully next year if I can get together a more stable income.

You said that once you started weening off, you’ve experienced loss of emotions – you couldn’t feel anything for anyone. Maybe this was a protective mechanism – to cut off all emotions, so they wouldn’t overwhelm you?

Since you’ve started this thread due to an issue with your husband, I am wondering about the dynamic between the two of you. From what you’ve shared so far, he is a decent man who has behaved “out of character” recently. You are thinking that it was because he had a crush on some girl online, since you weren’t emotionally available. May I ask – is he in general a good husband? Does he respect you? How was your relationship while you were on anti-depressants? Please answer only if you feel comfortable talking about it.

This would make sense as the emotions were intense. It was only after getting comfortable with little acts of self-care that I started to feel able to express any emotion other than irritability.

I think in general he’s a good husband and recently I’ve started to feel more confident that he does respect me. For a while I didn’t feel that he did. When he was frequently playing his online game it felt like it dominated both our lives as when he wasn’t playing it he was using Discord on his mobile, chatting about it and socialising with the other gamers, which I wouldn’t have minded now and again but it seemed to be every spare moment. I have the app too so could see that he was logging in regularly, even at work, plus he would take his phone to the bathroom and be chatting in there. It’s this kind of thing which made me paranoid and it was what triggered our last discussion about it. I found myself getting frustrated often because it seemed like he was more interested in the game/his Discord social life than he was with spending time with me. I also felt like I was taking too much responsibility for household chores and being taken for granted in that respect.

Our relationship was fine while I was on anti-depressants, but I wasn’t feeling fully and was going through the motions with day to day life. I didn’t think I had any resentments at the time because I was largely so tired and work focused that it didn’t seem to matter. I just wanted to sleep! I think all the things which did matter to me and needed to be addressed became more apparent when I stopped taking anti-depressants.

Something has just occurred to me – you asked who you are (since you are not and shouldn’t be a people pleaser!) Well, your true self is a compassionate self, having the voice of a gentle, kind and loving parent. If you can find such a voice within yourself, this is the voice of your True Self. If you get anchored in self-compassion, the pieces of the puzzle will start coming together, and you’ll be discovering more and more of your authentic self.

Thank you, that’s reassuring! I’m doing the work but the concept of self-compassion is still so new to me and not easy. I do have faith that I can get better at it though.