Dear iamone,

you are welcome. I am glad that what I’ve written gave you at least a little hope.

I figured out exactly when I went from confident and hopeful to dark and withdrawn. It is when I started moving into adolescence and realized I wasn’t excelling in every way as I had hoped. Specifically I noticed I wasn’t as good looking as other girls (at least that was my perception).

I was rejected by the boy I liked so very much (and rightfully so, I might add). But he had no romantic interest in me. And we would talk and he would talk about the girls he did like, and they were the thin, very good-looking type. That rejection went to my core, and in truth I don’t think I’ve ever recovered. I took rejection so deeply, perhaps, because I grew up without a father.

It’s good that you’ve realized when exactly you lost your confidence. Puberty and adolescence are usually the time when we start suffering more (at least I did), because we are sensitive to rejection by our peers, specially by our romantic interests. I too started suffering when I was 16-17, having realized that I am not super pretty and that some other girls attracted much more of the boys’ interest. I started believing that I was ugly, boring and completely undesirable. And I also thought that perhaps I have a few pounds too many, while those model-looking girls are thinner… so I thought if I only lost weight, I’d be more desirable. That’s how my anorexia started, which later turned into bulimia…

Much later I’ve realized that my sense of being unlovable and undesirable wasn’t because I wasn’t super attractive or super popular, but because I was deeply wounded as a child, with my mother sending me a message that I wasn’t good enough. Criticizing me, belittling me, not praising me, scolding me for the slightest mistake…

What I am trying to say is that the rejection I’ve experienced in my adolescence hurt me so much because I was already wounded, because I already felt unloved and undesirable to my mother. (Perceived) rejection by boys and peers was just a trigger for that wound to open and keep getting bigger and bigger… until it lead me to an eating disorder.

I believe that in your case too, you felt rejected and not good enough and unworthy even before this boy rejected you. And you could be right – it could be because you grew up without a father. Perhaps you, in your child’s mind, believed that it was your fault that your father abandoned you? That you weren’t good enough and that’s why he left? It could also be that you didn’t receive enough love and validation from your mother, and that’s why you felt rejected/unappreciated?

My entire life has been focused on trying to achieve things that will make others see me as respectable or acceptable. I try to make my house beautiful. I live in a nice area. I paint paintings, but I think I do it to be able to say – Look! I’m a successful artist! rather than because I enjoy it.

From what you’ve written, it seems to me that you are looking for validation – for others to tell you how important and special you are – because this is something you haven’t received in your childhood. What do you think, could this be the reason?