Re-posting:

Dear Eric:

I asked you: “if she makes a mistake, if her hair is a bit messy, will you leave her?”, and you answered:  “No I won’t, because no matter how her hairstyle is, she’s still her. The person who I love to interact with“-

– her mistakes are okay with you because you like her.  You  know/ believe that it is possible to like her regardless of her mistakes. But your mistakes are not okay with you because you don’t like you. You believe that it is not possible to like you: “if she really genuinely want me, It’ll be very hard to believe for me. Like is it really possible for someone like me?”

Because you don’t like you, any one of your mistakes seems big and dangerous, as if the mistake will cause the girl to see ‘the truth’… which is that it is impossible to like you. By trying hard to make no mistakes, you are hoping that she will not find out ‘the truth’. No wonder you are so anxious… fearing that any moment, any day, she will find out and leave you.

“Another heartbreak will still be a painful one, maybe more painful than the previous one. I hope I can avoid it”-  I hope more than you avoiding a future heartbreak. I hope that your present, long-term, every day heartbreak of disliking yourself can be fixed: life would be way less painful for you when you finally like yourself.

“I saw one of the reasons why relationships don’t work out is because of boredom. And I’d like to avoid that. But I know sooner or later I’ll ran out of ideas. It’s only two months but I feel like I’m going to ran out of ideas soon. I really want to find a solution for this“- the solution: get to like yourself, get to be okay with you.

“I don’t think she’s ready to be complimented like this…  I told her the one beside that girl was prettier (her), then she just laugh and her reaction was a bit awkward” – she doesn’t like herself as much as you like her.

“Do u know any reasons why a person has difficulty in concentrating? Like very hard for my brain to focus. When I hang out with that girl, I keep forgetting where do I park my car…. my brain feels lazy and tired. Do u think this might be due to overthinking and anxiety? Or maybe lack of sleep?“- yes, it is due to anxiety, definitely. Severe anxiety causes confusion, lack of focus, inability to concentrate, poor memory, overthinking and lack of sleep, all of these things.

“Does chasing after relationships have to be this painful?“- I mentioned your “present, long-term, every day heartbreak” in the 4th paragraph of this post. Disliking yourself and the anxiety involved in it, causes you heartbreak every single day. It is indeed a painful way to live. (So, the answer to your question is: no, a relationship does not have to be this painful).

“I even feel like crying inside. Because I’ve been genuinely trying my best, I gave my all on the efforts. But I still get hurt”- it is not her fault that you feel hurt: she did not break your heart. It is your unfortunate belief that it is impossible to like you (and that any moment, any day, she will find this out) that is breaking your heart.

It is unfortunate that you have not yet considered psychotherapy/ professional help- you really need it.

anita